But I'm very happy.  I'm here in a hotel room on the campus where my son attends school.  My daughter is asleep out on the sofa in our suite. 

We had a calm moment tonight just sitting down together and eating some ice cream in the room.  It was a family moment before the hecticness of what will be parent's weekend.  My son left to return to his dorm room and my daughter and I cleaned up for bed.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my son, seeing his classes and meeting his mentor.  We have concerts to go too, and other parents to meet and of course no time together is complete without a sushi feast!

It just feels good to be together as a family.

Now to get some sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Ash Wednesday, the first official day of lent.

This year, I'm going to spend lent a bit more reflective about where I am going as a person.  I got the idea actually from my daughter who is reading from Justin Lucadoo's book 97 Random Thoughts and then following up with a journal entry about it.  So in like manner, I'm going to be spending time in this blog.

My life as a married woman has come to an end.  Yes, there are still many papers to be signed and a judge will preside and undo what I promised I would never see undone.  I have mourned it for a year now, but it is time to move on. I look around the room and it seems as if nothing has changed.  My momentos are still here, including the first present my husband ever gave me.  I see crafts that my kids made when they were in preschool and elementary school.  There are pictures and books and on the wall, a shelf made of oak, with a heart and our initials carved on the back.  On a dresser is a jewelry box that he made for me the first year we were together.  All memories of the past, many good, but still just in the past now.

I recently saw a video segment on the Today show talking about the importance of not bringing up the past with new people.  I'm not ready to even consider another person in my life, but I do know that as long as I keep myself emotionally linked to my ex-husband I will kill off any chance of new friendships and commitments.

So, as part of lent, I will be removing the past and bringing in the new.  Time to pack up what was.  Of course I can't pack up the kids, and I don't plan to, but it is time to take the things that represented us as a couple out.  I will pack them and put them away to give to the kids if they want them. I will replace them with new memories and make my life my own again. 

So I see my less then significant other this past Friday.  Big deal right?  Well it isn't suppose to be, but every time I see him I suffer two nights of bad dreams about him.  As predicted he is one happy camper to be finally getting his divorce.  He'll sign anything I put in front of him.  That's how relieved he is.  So he can be really generous and polite.  No frown on his face now.

Please note it took ME to file.

I honestly could care less now about who is paying for the lawyer.  Actually, it does my heart good that I filed on him.  I just wish I could get him out of my head once and for all.  Is that too much to ask?

Common sense tells me that he will fade from memory soon enough.  I can't control the dreams though.  Maybe they are my subconscience reminding me that I did the right thing?

I feel alot better tonight.  I cried it out some this weekend, and I put it in God's hands...again.  I know once should be enough but I keep borrowing the trouble  back.

I had a good lesson again in how I define friendships. I keep following for the ol' "because I chatted with you on a computer makes you a true friend."  I found out how fast that goes away when something more shiny shows up.  I will get better with this as I establish real friendships among the people around me.  Internet friends are just that, on the internet.  There is no vesting of time or energy.  It is perfect for people that are emotionally unavailable to others.

I recognize how much I'm like that.  It is probably one of the few things I have in common with my soon to be ex.  I don't let people get close, so internet relationships appeal.  When I do get close, it is usually with someone that is even more unavailable then I am which leads to a bad crash sooner or later. 

I have a lot to learn about real relationships yet.  I have never had one so I'm not sure what it looks like.  I just know when I am starting to follow the path toward an unhealthy one.

This being out of denial crap can be a real pain in the ass.

I didn't want to, but I had to.

My husband refused to move on divorcing me, but yet he insisted that is what he wanted.  So, I did it for him.  This week I hired a lawyer and he is drawing up the paperwork and as long as my soon-to-be ex signs off, in 90 days I'll be free.

I don't feel anything.  I'm not sad, which then makes me sad for not feeling it.

I guess I'm a bit relieved.  He was here today, and he was happy.  He was getting what he wanted and I was doing it for him.  He was agreeable and cooperative and we were working toward fixing things in the house and talking parenting.  It was as if nothing was changed between us.  How delusional I was to believe this man ever loved me and that we had a real marriage.  I wanted to ask again "why can't we stay married?"  I didn't though.  I knew when I paid my check it was non-refundable and I didn't want to go back on it or bring him back into my life again.  I was getting along with him, not because I wanted him but because I knew he was leaving soon and I wouldn't have him around to keep me in turmoil.

I feel good about this choice.  It is the right choice, not for the reason he wants, but because the kids and I do deserve better then to be kept in his limbo.  On top of everything else, he had the nerve to tell me that he was trying to file for divorce in his location but no one that side of the state would take it.

I guess lawyers are only licensed by county. /sarcasm

So I have gone full circle now.  I was a professional chemist in training when I met him.  I was capable and able to function quite well on my own.

I got married and lost myself in him and his moods and emotional abuse.  I forgot for a long time just how capable I am and what I could do, but I woke up and I got back into action.

God is good and he opened all the right doors and windows.  Meanwhile my STB-ex can not find new work, is living in an RV and would pay anything to me to get those papers to sign so he can "be free."  He is a fool and he doesn't even realize it yet.

So now here I am, back to being a professional chemist and teacher.  I am capable and able to function quite well on my own.

I pity the fool that tries to take that away from me again.