Well, It was a good eHarmony week. 

I actually thought I had met a nice man.  He kept me amused for a week asking questions and taking me through the communication steps.  He even called me and we spoke at length.

The next day was just texts, but I thought they were light hearted and kept progressing us forward.  Then the inevitable happened.

Why is it men are so cruel?  He wanted to meet.  He even suggested a breakfast, lunch or dinner for this weekend.  When I followed through to suggest we meet half way between our homes, he backed off and suggested another time.

*crickets*

No follow up call, no text or email.  Just silence.

So there you have it.  I was probably a test run to see how the system works.  After all, I myself was wondering how it all worked having not gotten past the first set of open responses.  I didn't think it would end so fast.

Have I crossed over into the realm of the desperate old woman trying to play a young woman's game?  That is what it feels like.  I swear if I see one more of my peers happily either in a committed relationship or "friends with benefits" I will scream.

I guess he did me a favor.  He could have strung me along and made me think I had a chance.  All I asked was that he just tell me he wasn't interested and say good bye.  When has a man ever done what I wanted?  It is just so much easier to "disappear."

I guess I will wait to see one more day if he tries to contact me again, and then close the match and delete his contact info from my phone.  Why hold on in hope.

Dating sites are just like the lottery.  You see a few people win and you think you can win too, but the odds are in the millions to one.  I'm one of those millions. 

So what do I do now?

Well, I'm obviously feeling sorry for myself.  That is a given, but I can't give in to my usual attempts to medicate with food.  I will have my pity party today, and tomorrow, pick up my life as I have always.  No man will break me. 

It was fun for a few days to feel that I might be someone that someone else wanted.  That's probably as good as it will get.  But you know, who cares?

I want me, and that is the only person that matters.

I'm back at Curves and will be posting my progress.  I guess when I think millions of unknown people will read it, I will be more likely to follow though.  That will have to wait till Monday though, because I forgot to write down my measurements.  :)

Things I have done this week:

Thursday - water aerobics.  I LOVE THIS.  I really do.  It was the hottest day of the week, and yet, it felt good to be in the pool and I worked hard but didn't feel "killed" as I would have in this heat in a gym.  This is definitely a Tuesday, Thursday activity.  How I will keep it up in during the school year is going to be tricky, but I'm going to try.

Friday - Curves.  Toning and strengthening.  I got my pulse up to 20 beats/10 sec.  It is still a bit low for most effective burning of calories, but it was higher than it was on Wednesday.

Today - Walked 45 mins on the track with a friend.  I think we got in about 2 miles.  Getting my walk in is going to be the hardest thing to do between the pool and curves, but I think if I walk before the pool, I should be okay.  My walking partner is going to let me borrow an old runners watch that will beep at me for when I need to change my pace from walking to running.  I love this idea because I don't have to think, I just have to do.

The next part of the puzzle is working out my diet.  I'm hypothyroidic (is that even a word?) which means I have to take a synthetic hormone to up my levels and hopefully get my metabolism jump started.  I have two big issues going right now.  Is the increase weight due to being sedentary, created mostly by the decrease in the hormone I needed from my thyroid, OR is it the synthetic hormone that is keeping the weight on?

Whatever the reason, I do feel more hungry and I am cutting back on breads and higher fat foods.  I have started to research which foods are best and be careful about "diet plans" to make sure they are thyroid friendly.

To be continued. :)

So, what do you do when you get kicked in the teeth and you are reminded again, that you aren't "all that?"

You set a goal and you achieve it!

I have set my goal.  I will run the Turkey Trot this November on Thanksgiving Day.

To do that, I have started a walk to run plan that I have added into my water aerobics.  In addition, I'm going to rejoin Curves for strength and toning.  I hate spending the money, but I have to do something.  It is the only way to get back in to the game.

I don't want to be passed over by a really nice guy because my physical appearance screams that I don't do anything but sit on my arse when I really have an enjoyable life.  Sadly, looks matter, no matter how hard we claim that they don't.

That isn't the only reason though.  I have set a second goal of getting completely off these pills by December.  I hate that I'm taking pills again for my heart and my thyroid.  I know that it has a great deal to do with my weight.  Maybe my getting that down, the pills will go away too.

So, this blog now has a new purpose.  I will be charting my progress here and I will, which much dread, post pictures of my progress.  I guess that's one way to be honest with myself.

Today: walked 30 mins on the track and then took a water aerobics class. Not eaten very much, and one meal was McDonald's (crispy chicken sandwich, fries and Sprite.) I made a homemade vanilla/peach smoothie between the walk and the aerobics.  I haven't had dinner yet, but that is coming next.  Probably a rice dish.  Almost too tired to eat.  I wasn't planning to walk and do aerobics on the same day, but I didn't want to put off starting to walk.  "Hell's Kitchen" and "Master Chef" is inspiring me to fix something soon! :)

The last two days have been troubling for me.

When you are overwhelmed with insecurities and fears all at the same time, it can be hard to sort them out.  These past few days have been filled with self doubt and a bit of self loathing.  I know something isn't right in my head when I start having those "dreams" again.  This time my ex-husband and his new wife are taunting me, trying to make me feel less than significant.  They are taking my daughter from me.  So fear number one is identified.

My daughter was always daddy's little girl, and in that time period, I'm sure he instilled his own brand of disrespect for me.  She grew up seeing how he didn't stand beside me, and probably spent a good deal of time fostering how much I must love our son more than her.  She certainly believed it and probably still does.  I have done what I can to let her know and to show her how much I do love her.  But it has gotten to the point that she behaves in a disrespectful manner toward me.  So, I've worked to stop reacting to it as well as no longer bother asking her to do what she knows she is suppose to.  I honestly don't know what else to do but to just let her go like I did her dad and hope something will sink in about how much I do love her.

Insecurity number two was evident at dinner last night.  I had gone out with a new social group I joined.  We do fun stuff to get out as singles.  I call it group dating for adults.  Its a nice mixed group with some attractive men.  Attractive men that are more interested in the slightly younger and more attractive women.  I looked pretty matronly among the thin and active younger women.  It hit me pretty hard as I listened to the guy across from me "teasing" the woman sitting beside him to "go out with him."  There are some older men in the group, but as I learned today, one is a recent widower.  It will be a long time before he will allow anyone to replace her in his life, and from her pictures, she too was thin and pretty.  Oh..and did I mention blonde is another characteristic.

This is why I'm not getting followups and dates from eHarmony.  I'm a broad mare in a pen filled with much younger fillies, who happen to be blonde also.  I use to think I was "not ugly."  It has become high school all over again.  The only time I attracted men was when I was thin and now I'm old, and spread out from raising kids and being made crazy by a man I thought loved me.

I envy the widows and widowers who survive the loss of a spouse that they will know in their heart loved them.  If they never find another person to share life with, what a feeling to have to know you were loved.  I will probably spend the rest of my life alone because stupid men are just that stupid.  I have two great kids that I hope love me as much as I love them, but nothing seems to fill that hole left from a cheating spouse who only paid lip service to the words, while he lusted every day after another.