How much more a loser can I be than to fail at a 12-step group? Yup, I left my group I had been working with since August. The leader informed me that she doesn't believe I am answering the questions. That I don't use enough I statements and that maybe I need a therapist.
What a joke.
I listened to her the first time and reached deep to answer a question on what I really fear.
You know what I fear? I fear not having close relationships ever. I was very direct. I was even in tears, when I said it, because it was at the very core of my phobia with getting close to people. All the hurts that I have gone through trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Trying to "fit in" as a round peg in all the square holes. I wasn't good enough for the working moms, because I wanted to stay home. "Why would you be home when you have a PhD?" I didn't fit with stay at home mom's, "You are too smart, you think too much!" I don't fit with men in a male dominated society,"We won't date you, you are the competition." And the coldest of all, to be married to a man that would tell me to my face how proud of me he was, only to talk and snicker behind my back.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
So you know what... to HELL WITH ALL OF YOU THAT DON'T GET ME.
To my OWN SELF I will be true.
If that means I will never have a close, honest relationships, then so be it.
God made me this way, and I will use the gifts he gave me to be the best teacher I can be. To be the best mom I can be.
To just be me.
I don't need a 12-step group to teach me what I already know in my heart.
I have been dominated and controlled enough in my life. I have bent over so much to be "liked and loved" that my back is broken. My heart is broken in pieces and I guess only God and I can put it back together.
I have my kids, my dogs and my students. I am not alone nor am I lonely.
I am at peace right now and I will not let anyone or group or soon to be ex-husband robbed me of that again.
What a joke.
I listened to her the first time and reached deep to answer a question on what I really fear.
You know what I fear? I fear not having close relationships ever. I was very direct. I was even in tears, when I said it, because it was at the very core of my phobia with getting close to people. All the hurts that I have gone through trying to be what other people wanted me to be. Trying to "fit in" as a round peg in all the square holes. I wasn't good enough for the working moms, because I wanted to stay home. "Why would you be home when you have a PhD?" I didn't fit with stay at home mom's, "You are too smart, you think too much!" I don't fit with men in a male dominated society,"We won't date you, you are the competition." And the coldest of all, to be married to a man that would tell me to my face how proud of me he was, only to talk and snicker behind my back.
I'm not good enough for anyone.
So you know what... to HELL WITH ALL OF YOU THAT DON'T GET ME.
To my OWN SELF I will be true.
If that means I will never have a close, honest relationships, then so be it.
God made me this way, and I will use the gifts he gave me to be the best teacher I can be. To be the best mom I can be.
To just be me.
I don't need a 12-step group to teach me what I already know in my heart.
I have been dominated and controlled enough in my life. I have bent over so much to be "liked and loved" that my back is broken. My heart is broken in pieces and I guess only God and I can put it back together.
I have my kids, my dogs and my students. I am not alone nor am I lonely.
I am at peace right now and I will not let anyone or group or soon to be ex-husband robbed me of that again.
