One of the things I have picked up again has been crocheting.

I did it for two reasons.

First, I have always wanted to crochet and for some reason never got the knack.  Second, I could put it to good use to help others by joining the prayer shawl ministry at the new church I joined.  Win-win.

Although I joined the group, they were finishing for the fall, so I missed out helping this year, but I will be in it for 2010.  In the meantime, the lap afghan I made first went to a dear friend who has been suffering from sever pain in her back and legs.  I felt it was in the spirit of what it was dedicated for, so I gave it to her for Christmas.

Next, I started afghans for my son and daughter.  I have been crocheting as fast as I  could to finish my son's before he goes back to school, but I think I'll be shipping it.

I have been crocheting so much that I have been having dreams about it!

I have shoulder and upper arm pain.  I never realized how much of my upper body I was using to support the growing weight of the afghan as it stretches over my legs.  But I am bound and determined to get it done.

After finishing his, I have to finish my daughter's.  My goal is to have them both done so they can use them during the winter months.

I have always enjoyed the satisfaction of making my own creations.  Crocheting has been fast and rewarding to see the afghan just grow over my lap and legs with each row I hook.  It keeps my hands busy and focused to keeps me from sinking into moods.  I pray a lot when I crochet when I feel like wrestling demons in my head.  It's a positive way of dealing with stress and daily problems.

As I make things for others, it gives me another sense of "giving back."  It is very hard to feel sorry for myself when I give back to others.  I guess that is why I love teaching so much.  It is a way to give back to a new generation and hope they don't mess up as bad as mine did.  Each student is a new hope that this next group will get it "right."

I have been thinking what I may tackel next?

I have always wanted to quilt.

Today was not over the top.

Today was not filled with overt celebration, tons of family or over fattening meals.

Today was a normal day, but with presents and a trip to the movie theater.

For the most part, I think we got what we all wanted. I got my kids together, getting along and having a nice time. My son has his new concert instrument and got some new pj bottoms out of the deal. My daughter, her iPod touch to annoy me with for the new year.

It was simple.

For dinner, I crock potted a roast. No fancy turkey or trimmings. It was fine. Roast, a baked sweet potato and Ceaser salad. It was just enough.

We spent a few hours out in the movie theater watching Sherlock Holmes.

We spent a quiet evening at home. I crocheted and watched old reruns of Bewitched, with the real Darren of coure. My daughter watched downloaded anime, and my son rehearsed.

No stress.

I'm not sure I wouldn't have enjoyed a family gathering. Maybe in time but not right now. We are all still healing and adjusting. Maybe when I'm finally out of limbo? Until then, I like things the way they are. I'm taking it at my pace and what I think is the pace of my kids.

So as I head to bed, I go to sleep knowing that we got through this holiday together. No tears, no sadness.

It was a good day.

Tonight, for the first time since leaving Ohio, I attended a wonderful candle light service at First United Methodist. I've so missed the beauty of the decorations and the joy of singing carols and taking communion. For a few minutes one can believe that maybe "peace on earth, good will to men," may really happen for longer then the time it takes to sing Silent Night.

Despite going into the evening with some bad feelings about things that aren't really in my control, I came out of it happy for the experience, and happy to have shared it with my two kids. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness tonight. I have a home, and a church family that knows me and cares about my family.

I'm part of the community now. That alone is the best Christmas present I could ever receive.

Merry Christmas 2009.

It's been a year now.

It was about this time last year that my husband finally became unwound. It would be our last Christmas together as a family. Then New Year's rolled around and he came unglued completely and left.

So what do I think of all of this now that a year has gone by?

In sum, the man that desperately wanted out is still out, but has yet to file the papers to be "free of me." I don't know why. I'm sure he thinks its because he can't afford a divorce. Let him think what he wants as long as he pays for the house and the truck and gives me money for the kids.

But how do I feel about it all?

I guess I still feel for him. I guess if he were to tell me he was seeking help I would be loyal and faithful and stand by his side. But why? Was he ever loyal and faithful to me? What is it about him that I still love? What has he given me other then two kids and a lot of debt? I guess I need to keep working on me more. I have got him framed as the father of our kids and my business partner. That much keeps me sane.

What has this year brought to me?

I lost a husband, but I found myself. I'm not the scared timid mouse I was. I confront again and stand up for myself. I'm not afraid to try new things, and I'm very much an over achiever. It's nice to succeed at things and not be slapped in a passive agressive manner. He always said how proud he was of me and how much he supported me, but he was very quick with insults and back handed compliments to remind me how little he did think of me.

No, I don't want him back. I have been relaxed and happy for the most part this year. My kids are doing better. My daughter is growing up and I have her growing more involved with things that I hope will make her a better person. Most importantly, we have had peaceful holidays. The kids and I could relax and just enjoy what we wanted to do without someone prancing about making us nuts. He couldn't stand to be home, so he would run this way and that. His moods would swing from "I hate holidays and pout," to being "over the top" happy. It was always like he was trying to prove something to himself or to us that he wanted to be with us when all he wanted to do was get as far from us as he could.

Well now he has what he wants. He lives alone in an RV trailer in an RV park. He has his phone and computer to keep him connected to the true love of his life, a married woman in Australia with three kids. He doesn't have to give her any thing more then he wants to give and turn her off when he wants. She is a bigger fool then he is for letting him take advantage. They deserve each other. He doesn't have to be emotionally responsible to anyone now. Just write checks and let others take care of the rest. He is in the cat bird seat. I wish him a long, lonely life if he is unwilling to seek the help he needs to live a full life.

I am not going to be defeated by it all. I sink into despair sometimes. I feel sorry for myself to be in such a situation. Living without a loving husband, and having a solid and secure family. But then I remember that we are all responsible our own choices. I choose to be happy, and I choose to be the foundation and support for my kids. I will be there for them, and I will love them unconditionally.

There will be no secrets, and they will feel what it is to have their opinions and feelings respected They will learn to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their choices. It is the legacy I want to leave them, so that perhaps I can take this yoke of insecurity and disfunction away from them. To have them be confident and happy in their lives is the most important gift I can give them.

Merry Christmas, peace on earth, for this year it is merry and there is peace and in time the part of my life that is vacant will be filled with the good things that should have been there always.

Welcome to my new blog. One that is about me, for me.

Let the adventure begin.