I love Cowboy Bebop.

My daughter recently discovered the series on YouTube and I have to admit, she is showing at least some good taste. She downloaded the soundtrack which was performed by the Seatbelts.

This is jazz at some of it's best. The alto sax is just sick and makes for excellent traveling music.  This leads me to my next big update.  I'm going on vacation, all by myself.  I decided it was time to go exploring and take in some new sights never seen by me, and explore new ground never traveled.  It's unspoiled and uncluttered by the past with absolutely no memories of anyone to cloud it and ruin it.  I'll write more about it later and post some pictures too.

In the meantime, enjoy a little "Tank!" courtesy of the Seatbelts!

Hello blog!

Yes, its been a while. Reality has a way of interfering with the things we really want to do.

Next week it will be official. I will be legally single again. I really don't want to talk any more about the things that caused that to become a new reality for me. I am trying to change my focus in life. I dwell way too much on the past and wanting to change the things that I can't change. I have to separate myself better from the things that trigger those emotions.

So I reached out and called a friend.

Turns out this friend is like me in that she knows a lot of people, but she doesn't really have many friends to just hang out with. Most the woman I know that are my age, are well, not into doing too many silly things, or they are married or dating. This friend is married, but she really wants to have a girl's night out. So we are going to see "Sex in the City 2" and then go to, are you ready for it? A drag queen show!

I guess you could say this officially kicks off my bucket list accomplishements.

So far, I have completed the following:

1. I got tenure. Let's here it for job security!
2. I learned to repair a screen door. Google is your friend!
3. I got over my fear and filed for divorce. Life is too short to live it in fear.
4. I'm learning to enjoy going out by myself. Staying at home is boring.

Now those aren't actually bucket list worthy, but I'm new at this bucket list thing.

My biggest goal in life is to finally go on a cruise. I have never been on one, and for YEARS I was promised that we would go, and for YEARS it went unfilled. So, I'm going to make my own dreams happen, and I'm going to take my daughter along with me!

I was thinking of something simple, a cruise about the Caribbean, but you know, if I'm going to do this, why not do this large? I would LOVE to go to South America. Okay, that is going to be pricey, and we will need passports, so I will have to get a passport this year for myself and my daughter. Yup, not cheap I know to make this dream come true, and it may not be until she graduates from high school, but I will make it come true.

There is one thing I am very proud of in my life. When I started to make promises to my kids and myself, I came through. I honestly still do not fully comprehend how I was able to go from unemployed to employed in about 5 minutes like I did when I got my teaching job, but who am I to doubt the verse that says "through Christ, all things are possible."

I have reflected a lot lately on what it will be like to be completely on my own. I have been a partner and a mate for nearly all of my adult life. So many things in society are still geared at couples. Even for vacation bible school, they wanted "married couples" to head the family groups. There is so much emphasis on being coupled, its no wonder we have so many people rushing into marriages they don't really belong in just to fit in. I have a lot of restructuring of my mind to do still.

Last night wasn't easy after having my ex here during the day to do yard work with the kids. We were a family again for a few brief moments, but then he left to take the kids to dinner and I was alone.

I cried a bit, but I took myself out, and then I did what I said I should do and never did, and called a friend.

I took a chance on rejection, and it paid off.

Nicholas Cage said in the movie "Ghost Rider," "You can't live in fear."

I no longer have the option of hiding behind someone else. I have to take the risks, and when I am rejected, I have to shake it off, and move on to the next opportunity.

Welcome to my reality. Let's share it.

I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.

"Life sucks and then you die," has been a common quote I have heard and said since I was in my 20's. This week, I feel like life couldn't get any "suckier."

Truth is, the stress level with teachers is rising higher and higher. Teachers jobs are now going to be tied to achievement with end of course exams. We have to blame someone when little jimmy can't read. Parent who never read to their child, or invested time in reading specialists and seeing that their child was in school EVERY day...oh no..not their fault one bit! Governments that tie precious money to buy books and supplies so that little johnny isn't reading something written in the mid 50's that is out of date and stereotypical of the era, well, that isn't their fault! But schools and teachers that work their asses off, required to keep students in school .. sorry HOLD STUDENTS HOSTAGE in school without any regard for what is best for the kid, oh and make them ALL graduate, well hey.. its OUR fault.

You know..sometimes little johnny is happier if little johnny is learning a trade that will put a roof over his head and food on the table. Little johnny may not WANT to go to college, and frankly at the price of tuition these days, why should they pay that much for a crap shoot chance of getting a real paying job in their field?

But tomorrows economy demands college educated people!

Well you know what.. FINE..educate WELL the ones that are truely college ready, and let those that are career technical or vocational FREE to be what they need to do! The most disruptive students I have seen in school are disruptive because they just are not happy where they are? How many adults willingly continue in a job if they aren't happy. We already know how many dump a marriage if they aren't happy, so WHY are we forcing college on kids WHO by the way, you put a hammer in their hand and give them meaningful work will become the most polite, respectable and well adjusted kids you ever saw?

We are going to STILL need plumbers.

We are going to STILL need carpenters.

We are going to STILL need all tradesmen and no they do NOT need college degrees.

They need a highly specific technical program that teaches them the math, reading, science and other stuff and turns them loose on a job site in the afternoon. They are productive, they are willing to learn because it is in small exposure amounts, and for many who ARE the bread winners in their family, it supplies a source of income.

Instead of getting in trouble in school or out in town, they are making a decent wage, learning a valuable skill and feeling darn good about themselves. AND ISN'T that what real education is all about? Achieving something?

Stop distracting the college kids...lets us teach them to the standards we were taught too.

Stop holding back the vocational students that are talented with mechanical and construction skills. Let them work. If they are making money, they are paying taxes and they are supporting society and not being a burden.

OR....

Continue to do it our way. Force them to stay in school, fight with them to behave,if they even make it to school and BTW get NO support from parents at home, and watch them move from the school room to the jail cell in one easy step.

There is a good reason we refer to the local county detention center as "High School North."

Sorry for the typos. This is a rant and I SHOULD be asleep!

Tonight I set out on a new course. 

I've grieved and grown fat and lazy.  The signed papers will be in my hands soon, and then it will be in the hands of the courts.  Career-wise I am on a fast track upward.  I am well liked by my administration, and have a thousand and one ideas that I know I can never do, but I'm going to try anyway.  Now, to get my physical body in line with my brain.

I have begun "Operation Screw U _____" (The name is left blank on purpose, but I know what goes in there.)  I started back working out three nights a week, and have begun my diet program.  My goal is to weight at a maximum 170 lbs.  I would LOVE to weigh 155 lbs.  That would be my dream size.  I will then throw away all my clothes and start over! :)

Well, maybe not that severe, but I do plan to do some serious re-arranging of priorities.  I need my metabolism back up, I need my energy, and I need to stop thinking about my soon to be ex-husband with a focus that maybe I could find some one else that might actually appreciate me.

I thought I had that in this last relationship, but I did not, so if I do feel that pull again, I know I need to be patient and see how it plays out and if "Mr. Wonderful" still thinks I am after 1 year.  Right now, I'm very much in the "I don't trust or even like men very much" phase.  I like the idea of dating and maybe finding someone nice, but I have to be good with me, and right now, I have a lot of body fat to get rid of. 

I just hope Grandma Stephen's genetics will let me!

In the meantime, here is my newest theme song.  I plan to play it at least once or twice a day to remind me to "Defy Mediocrity."

But I'm very happy.  I'm here in a hotel room on the campus where my son attends school.  My daughter is asleep out on the sofa in our suite. 

We had a calm moment tonight just sitting down together and eating some ice cream in the room.  It was a family moment before the hecticness of what will be parent's weekend.  My son left to return to his dorm room and my daughter and I cleaned up for bed.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my son, seeing his classes and meeting his mentor.  We have concerts to go too, and other parents to meet and of course no time together is complete without a sushi feast!

It just feels good to be together as a family.

Now to get some sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Ash Wednesday, the first official day of lent.

This year, I'm going to spend lent a bit more reflective about where I am going as a person.  I got the idea actually from my daughter who is reading from Justin Lucadoo's book 97 Random Thoughts and then following up with a journal entry about it.  So in like manner, I'm going to be spending time in this blog.

My life as a married woman has come to an end.  Yes, there are still many papers to be signed and a judge will preside and undo what I promised I would never see undone.  I have mourned it for a year now, but it is time to move on. I look around the room and it seems as if nothing has changed.  My momentos are still here, including the first present my husband ever gave me.  I see crafts that my kids made when they were in preschool and elementary school.  There are pictures and books and on the wall, a shelf made of oak, with a heart and our initials carved on the back.  On a dresser is a jewelry box that he made for me the first year we were together.  All memories of the past, many good, but still just in the past now.

I recently saw a video segment on the Today show talking about the importance of not bringing up the past with new people.  I'm not ready to even consider another person in my life, but I do know that as long as I keep myself emotionally linked to my ex-husband I will kill off any chance of new friendships and commitments.

So, as part of lent, I will be removing the past and bringing in the new.  Time to pack up what was.  Of course I can't pack up the kids, and I don't plan to, but it is time to take the things that represented us as a couple out.  I will pack them and put them away to give to the kids if they want them. I will replace them with new memories and make my life my own again. 

So I see my less then significant other this past Friday.  Big deal right?  Well it isn't suppose to be, but every time I see him I suffer two nights of bad dreams about him.  As predicted he is one happy camper to be finally getting his divorce.  He'll sign anything I put in front of him.  That's how relieved he is.  So he can be really generous and polite.  No frown on his face now.

Please note it took ME to file.

I honestly could care less now about who is paying for the lawyer.  Actually, it does my heart good that I filed on him.  I just wish I could get him out of my head once and for all.  Is that too much to ask?

Common sense tells me that he will fade from memory soon enough.  I can't control the dreams though.  Maybe they are my subconscience reminding me that I did the right thing?

I feel alot better tonight.  I cried it out some this weekend, and I put it in God's hands...again.  I know once should be enough but I keep borrowing the trouble  back.

I had a good lesson again in how I define friendships. I keep following for the ol' "because I chatted with you on a computer makes you a true friend."  I found out how fast that goes away when something more shiny shows up.  I will get better with this as I establish real friendships among the people around me.  Internet friends are just that, on the internet.  There is no vesting of time or energy.  It is perfect for people that are emotionally unavailable to others.

I recognize how much I'm like that.  It is probably one of the few things I have in common with my soon to be ex.  I don't let people get close, so internet relationships appeal.  When I do get close, it is usually with someone that is even more unavailable then I am which leads to a bad crash sooner or later. 

I have a lot to learn about real relationships yet.  I have never had one so I'm not sure what it looks like.  I just know when I am starting to follow the path toward an unhealthy one.

This being out of denial crap can be a real pain in the ass.

I didn't want to, but I had to.

My husband refused to move on divorcing me, but yet he insisted that is what he wanted.  So, I did it for him.  This week I hired a lawyer and he is drawing up the paperwork and as long as my soon-to-be ex signs off, in 90 days I'll be free.

I don't feel anything.  I'm not sad, which then makes me sad for not feeling it.

I guess I'm a bit relieved.  He was here today, and he was happy.  He was getting what he wanted and I was doing it for him.  He was agreeable and cooperative and we were working toward fixing things in the house and talking parenting.  It was as if nothing was changed between us.  How delusional I was to believe this man ever loved me and that we had a real marriage.  I wanted to ask again "why can't we stay married?"  I didn't though.  I knew when I paid my check it was non-refundable and I didn't want to go back on it or bring him back into my life again.  I was getting along with him, not because I wanted him but because I knew he was leaving soon and I wouldn't have him around to keep me in turmoil.

I feel good about this choice.  It is the right choice, not for the reason he wants, but because the kids and I do deserve better then to be kept in his limbo.  On top of everything else, he had the nerve to tell me that he was trying to file for divorce in his location but no one that side of the state would take it.

I guess lawyers are only licensed by county. /sarcasm

So I have gone full circle now.  I was a professional chemist in training when I met him.  I was capable and able to function quite well on my own.

I got married and lost myself in him and his moods and emotional abuse.  I forgot for a long time just how capable I am and what I could do, but I woke up and I got back into action.

God is good and he opened all the right doors and windows.  Meanwhile my STB-ex can not find new work, is living in an RV and would pay anything to me to get those papers to sign so he can "be free."  He is a fool and he doesn't even realize it yet.

So now here I am, back to being a professional chemist and teacher.  I am capable and able to function quite well on my own.

I pity the fool that tries to take that away from me again. 

I've been pretty tired.  Working full time and going to school full time is exhausting.  I know the school part is almost over, but I'm really hoping for another snow day tomorrow.  Don't think we are going to get it, but I can dream.

I guess in my tired frame of mind I am susceptible to being a bit sad tonight that I don't have someone special to share my "moments" with.  There are people to talk to, but there are times I would just like to curl up in bed with someone that thinks as much of me as they do themselves.  I wasn't one of the lucky ones though.  Despite the number of years I waited before settling down, I still picked badly.

I have a problem with being attracted to emotionaly unavailable people. Not just men, but women too.  I seem to make my closest friends with people who aren't really investing in relationship.  I guess because at the core of things, I don't invest much in relationship either.  So I guess I got what I deserved in that.

The good news is that I'm seeing the red flags sooner.  I recognize when things are going down a one-way street a lot sooner then I use too.  I'm out of denial and fully believe that the amount of people looking for friendships is a lot smaller then those that just want an ego stroked.  I'm guilty of that too.  Gravitating to people that think I'm wonderful just to get the "high" of feeling important.  Only problem is that no one can keep that level of ego feeding going.  So they begin to feel smoothered and  withdraw and I feel lost, angry and betrayed. 

I guess I am learning to not believe my "own press."  I have many things now that give me fullfillment and satisfaction.  I'm not so reliant on others to do that for me.  Now i have to learn how to make lasting friendships.  That's the part I'm poor at, but at least now, I'm better at figuring out if the person I'm wanting to have relationship with is actually interested as well.

Sooner or later I'll hit on the right combination.  Meanwhile, I still have my dogs to curl up with at night, and i'm not totally friendless.  Small steps.  Small steps.

I have worked all of 4 hours in the past 3+ weeks.

Tomorrow we go back to school after having nearly 11 days at or below freezing.

I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, but I have enjoyed the break, and now I guess I'm ready to get back to work and regain some discipline.  Lazy time is over.

I have to get a plan together to pay my bills and still save money back enough to pay for this divorce.  $2500 dollars cash is what it will take to retain the attorney.  I just want to get this over with.

So, wish me luck as I face about 170 cranky students that don't want to be in school after also having 3+ weeks off.

Its gonna be fun. ;-)

It's been a year.

One year ago, my husband left us.  He cited all kinds of reasons, but none of them made sense.  The only thing that made sense was, "he just didn't want to be married."  At times, he seemed remorseful and willing to talk things out, but as soon as we got just a little bit close to getting at the root of the issue, the "protector" came out.

The protector is a term I give to that part of his personality that protects him from feeling anything.  He is hard and callous.  He will accept no wrong and refuses help to get well.  He doesn't want to change and so he condemns himself to a life of loneliness.  In those moments when the protector is asleep, that part of him that doesn't really want to be alone comes out and can be reasoned with.  He has no self esteem and feels strongly that he is undeserving of his family and of me.

He knows that we are doing well, that I am doing well and he wallows in self-pity.  He plays the victim, unable to change, unable to feel, unable to have friends.  As soon as any human kindness is shown to him, the protector wakes up and rushes in to his defense.  He seals off the doors and windows and protects that which is vulnerable from being spoken too.

I gave it one more attempt.  I tried to show compassion and understanding.

"I tried" is as far as it got.

Within 8 hours of what was a productive conversation, the protector was back and beating back any further attempts to reason.  He won't talk about his fears, he won't talk about why he is afraid to change and get help.  He doesn't want to change.

Sadder then losing a husband, this family has lost its father.

It is beyond my thinking that anyone would walk away from the needs of their family.  His only justification is that he can't handle conflict.  What that really means is he can't handle conflict where he is at the center and is clearly in the wrong.  What that really means is, he has no desire to understand or have compassion for anyone but himself.

He is capable of feeling.  He is very capable of loving and being loved.  But it is too much effort on his part to put the work into any relationship.  Everything flows to him.  He is a black hole.

He wants divorce, but he says he can't afford it.

Therefore, I will do what he most likely doesn't believe I will do and I will file the paper work.  I am not sure when my dispersement money from college will arrive, but when it does, I will pay the retaining fees and get all of this started and finished.

He will be "free," but more importantly, the kids and I will be free of him.  In the end it doesn't matter who files first, it just matters that this situation finally be resolved.

One year has been more then generous.  He used that time to think of nothing but his own skin.  I wonder just how long it will be once he's free for him to forget not just me, but all of us.

So for now, I'm very sad that this could not be resolved, but I know it is the right thing to do.  As I told him, "by setting him free, I set myself free."