Well here I am getting ready to call it a day.  It's been kind of an odd week.  Can't explain it too well, other than this is one of those nights, where I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I'm trying to figure out where the avoidance part of my personality got started.  Maybe it was when I realized I have always been on the outside looking in at close friendships.  I'm not trying to beat myself up here.  I have this brain that thinks analytically you see.  So no, I'm not sad or emotional when I write this.

I haven't been the center of the group, except when I teach.  My students look up to me, or at least try to figure out why I'm so odd I guess.  But that puts me in the center of the attention.  I control what happens and when.

My social circles aren't like that.  I pretty much am stuck to the outside looking in at all those close friendships and realizing I'm not really part of that.  I have been blessed with people that allow me to be friends with them.  They are very active people in their own right, so getting time with them to just plan something for the weekend isn't happening very well.

I kind of took on the role of keeping the ball rolling, but the response to the notices and idea exchanges is getting less and less.  I guess I should take the silence as a hint, that I'm no longer "cute" but perhaps, "annoying."

So, I have decided that no matter what, I would go on and do things for myself. 

I put the invitation out there, but I'm not going to sit alone at home and bemoan that no one would do things with me.  I'm going to push through and even if it means doing things stag, I will still do them.

I could be miserable at home alone, OR I could be doing something that may be fun, and yeah, it would be more fun with others, but I don't need others to make me happy. 

So maybe I am finally growing up.  I really don't like being alone.  I don't like doing things alone.  But had I not gone on vacation alone, I would never have experienced Savannah, nor would I have got to meet and share the experiences of interesting people from all over.  Those experiences are my experience now and they are priceless.

I'll go to the dinner theater, and I will sit with other groups and kinda blend in with them and maybe be welcomed into their conversations.  I am going to do this fun walk, and even though I represent only me, I'm sure there will be others along the way to share conversation with.

I will keep going out to eat on my own and sit up at the bar and just talk to people, even if it is just the bartender because each time I do, I get a bit better at being a whole person. 

I don't want to be needy.  I want to set my own pace and walk my own path and share it with whoever is also on that same path for however brief it is.

I had a wonderful time in NYC and I shared it with some awesome women.  We have had the experience of getting out together twice since.  It may most likely be the last time together, but I am better for it.

The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was assuming I didn't need anyone else because I had my ex-husband.  That is when I stopped being an individual and became just property.  He may have treated my like property, but I was the one that gave him permission to do so.

I'm not property and I'm valuable and worth knowing, even if that is just for a 2.5 mile walk around downtown Johnson City.

The day of love.

Sadly, I'm not in love.  Well, maybe I am but it is misguided.  There is this kernel of him still there inside of my head and my heart that I would pay any amount of money for a surgeon to remove.

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to deal with it.  I do know that today only bothered me a .. little.  It's not like I was getting anything awesome.  When I did get these amazing flowers and dinner out I thought I was "queen of the world."  Truth was, it was just him trying to convince himself that he loved me.

I think that has been the hardest thing to take in through all of this.  I know that I'm not un-loveable.  I may be hard to love, but I'm far from un-loveable.  It was just, he wasn't in love with me.  I would like to think that he was at one time.  Truth is, I don't know and probably will never know.  I think he was in love with the idea of "being in love" just as I was in love with the idea of having a relationship.

Let us be brutally honest here.  I don't think either one of us was truely, in love with the other.  We were both, in love with ourselves and we romanced the notion of a relationship.  We never worked on being in one.

That is hard for me to say, because here I was committed to something that I would have stayed with until death.  I even had two children in it.

I told him I loved him every day, multiple times.  There, as Shakespeare would say, "is the rub."  I had to keep saying it.  Maybe he was right when he asked, "who was I trying to convince?"

I still say it, out loud when I'm alone, or think I am alone.  It just comes out like some sort of nervous "tick."  It is getting less, but it is still there, and I think on him far more then I should.  Even in writing this, he is there haunting me.

I don't cry so much any more if at all, but I have grown indifferent to the thought of love for myself.  I know great guys are still out there, some of whom have been equally hurt or coming to the same conclusions I have been coming too, wondering, is there anyone out there for them?

One of my friends after being single for a very long time announced her engagement.  I was happy for her and sad for me.  One more kindred spirit going over to the "dark side" of couple-ness. 

I've been thinking a lot about the adult mentors in my life.  I can't really think of one woman I really looked up too.  The mentors that made a huge difference in my life were the men. It is why I go out of my way to TRY and bond with other woman and develop same sex relationships before trying to go out and find a male companion.

So what is on tap for me in the near future?  What bucket items do I need to cross off the list?

For one, I think I'm going to try and do the 4K fun walk for the Chasing Snakes marathon run.  I think I can walk 4 kilometers.  It is something I have never done, and I'm sure it would a lot of fun and may get me out meeting new people.

I will probably die after becoming such a slug this winter, but I want to try.  It will be in the city, so the roads should be relatively flat and in good condition, unlike where I live out here in the foot hills.

So Happy Valentine's Day.  It is a happy day because I have two awesome kids and they make up the difference so much.  I don't think I could have gotten through what I did without being focused on them.  But, as the "adult" I need to separate and find new outlets so I don't become over dependent on them and keep them from living their own lives.

I am a very strong person.  I have learned that.  I will work through this last stage of grief and I will be a better person for it.