I met the mother of the girl that stayed the night last night
with my daughter. She is also a teacher and has been through a
divorce to a man that sounds awfully similar to the problems my
husband has. We made plans to get together next weekend and bowl with
the girls. It will be a real girl night out. It will be the first
time in years that I have made plans to have fun for myself without my
husband involved. I am hoping that I may be making a new friend.
Baby steps I know, but I'm not one to put myself out there. It helps
I think that she is a teacher too. We will have a lot in common. I
will have to monitor that I don't smother her. I have to watch my
boundaries as we relationship addicts know of no boundaries.

I got my hair done as well today. I spent time in the shop talking to
the "girls." I felt calm and rational about things for the first
time. Maybe I have hit that magic limit everyone talks about when
they make the break from a relationship. When my husband stomped off
insisting that there was nothing to change and how much he liked
himself as is, I saw him for what he really was. Running away,
avoiding again, and leaving me to clean up the mess with the kids and
the finances.

I think I'm done cleaning up his emotional messes not to mention his
financial ones. Whether he stays or not makes no difference to me
now. As long as he continues to pay his share of the bills as we
agreed until he can sell the truck and/or the house. I'm good with
it. It will be hard living like this still until there is enough money
to pay the attorney, but I have put up with him now for all these
years, a few more months won't matter.

I have friends, co-workers and family that love me for who i am and
don't make impossible demands in an effort to "trip me up" so they can
point and say, "AH-HA!"

I am never alone and will never be abandoned, because God doesn't
create junk and doesn't throw people away.

In my last entry I admitted to being powerless over my husband, and the
future. That said, through God I have power to:

- choose to no longer suffer because he is unable to deal with and
take responsibility for his actions. Yeah it hurts like hell because
I really believed I loved him but all I got was disrespect and abuse
in return.

- choose to be happy today and to not live the second half of my life
in fear of abandonment like I did the first half. I have a lot to
offer. Just because he never appreciated it doesn't mean other people
don't.

- choose wellness over insanity. Learning to get along in life with
other healthy people is much more rewarding. :)

I have some more reading to do, then I need to think about being honest with myself. My husband isn't the only one with that problem. I'm just more willing to accept that it is a problem.

I just got off the phone with my dear friend who has been my live
voice of reason through this ordeal. I think I feel a bit better
right now. I was just so very angry. This is new for me, usually
after something like this I would have fallen apart and cried and
agonized. I may still cry and agonize, but maybe not so much. But
for now, I'm good.

I spoke with my husband today first on the phone, after he returned
briefly from his trip prior to him leaving again with my son for the
weekend. I asked him about the book I had read that our therapist had
given him to read. He immediately stammered and implied that he had
only read the first chapter, and it was just a lot of the same, "If
you don't admit you have a problem, then you are in denial, crap" as
he calls it. I tried to talk to him about it, that it was a good
book, and he needed to at least give it a chance. That's when it all
came out that he did NOT have a problem, and he would not let me push
one on him. I was hung up on.

I got home and I tried to speak to him again, rationally, but he was
on the defensive, which put me on the defensive. Basically, there
were a lot of words, words, words - he was furious - he kept trying to
get away from me - I was mad - and refused to be silenced like a
child. He postured and threatened to move out as soon as he got back
with our son. I honestly think he was trying to intimidate me and
make me fall apart. It didn't work.

So I let him go, my son was furious with me for fighting with his dad,
(he was mad at his dad as well,) but yeah, it wasn't the good-bye I
wanted, and you could say I got what I deserved for not listening to
my therapist and just ignore my husband.

I find this interesting that today I was thinking on step 1. I am powerless.

I am powerless to convince him of anything.

I am powerless to determine the outcome.

I am powerless to change him.

My heart is slowly accepting that the decision to stay married is most
likely out of my hands. He is an established and accomplished
manipulator who is lying to himself as much as to others. He is not
intimate with himself, so will never be able to be intimate with me or
anyone that loves him.

Through the grace of God, I am not powerless to change me.

I am feeling okay right now. I twinged a bit at the "I'm moving out
as soon as I get back" threat. Whether he meant to do it or not, all
these trips of his has been getting me use to the idea. I feel okay
when I talk to my friend, or have my kids here at home with me. I
feel okay when I write.

I don't feel alone.

Some people are obsessed with the weather.

Some people obsess over their looks.

Some people like me obsess over what other people think, primarily of me.

It's that abandonment thing again. If people leave me, it has to be because of me. I did something wrong. Always doing something wrong. Never smart enough, talented enough, clever enough. Basically, not perfect enough. There has to be something wrong with me.

If you are reading this you are thinking, man that girl is full of herself. It's self-centered-ness in the disguise of caring and reflecting for improvement. It's got nothing to do with improving myself, but it does have everything to do with taking blame where there may not be any blame at all. It's about believing I matter so much to others that I alone am responsible for their decisions.

Now this is not to say, I don't matter, nor is it to say there are things I do that aren't annoying. What I am saying is, there are reasons why people choose to do what they do that have nothing to do with me.

Right now, I'm obsessed with trying to make it all better. If I do enough, say the right words, act the right way, everything will be okay. My husband will love me and want to come back. That is called, lying to myself.

I don't control anything but what I do. I know that in my head, but my heart is a stubborn character that doesn't want any part of that.

I'm going to start reading and working the steps as they say in 12-step recovery. I'm going to try and write more about me and what I am doing to heal and become intimate with myself. I will pray for wisdom for myself and for my husband. That is all I can do for him. I will pray he has the wisdom to see the issues in his own life and have the courage to change them for himself. I'm not convinced he has the courage to do that. I hope I am wrong.

So I am off to read about the first step. In a sense I have introduced it in this posting. Its about being powerless.

For a control freak like myself, this is probably going to be the hardest of all the steps. That first step of faith we take when we realize that somethings we have no power over.

I know in my very being that I do love my husband. The question is, do I love him enough to let him go so I don't get pulled further down in his under-tow? Some times the right thing is not the thing we want to do.

Even if he isn't willing to change, I must if I am going to have any peace in this second half of my life.

What a night.

My husband is gone on yet another business trip. No calls. Nothing. Not that I expected any.

My niece on his side dumped me as a friend on facebook. His family is already beginning the process of removing me from their lives and we haven't even filed papers yet.

I dread my son going this weekend to Ohio with his dad. I know there will be no love loss for me as he stays there with his family. Even my mother-in-law that said how much she loved me hasn't called once to ask how I was doing. I guess love only goes as far as being a "happy couple."

So yes, here I am feeling abandoned and alone. I don't even know how to find new friends anymore.

I guess I'm hitting bottom now.

I hate these days when I'm not working. Tomorrow I go back to work. That should help some. I need to get out. I need to find friends to do things with. I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I wish I could erase the memory of my husband for the past 23-years. How do you do that and preserve the good memories of giving birth to two of the best kids in the world?

For as long as we live, we will be joined together by our two beautiful kids. I will never fully be free of him or he from me.

My addiction to him is great. He has treated me like complete crap and here I am still taking it, still wanting him. Just wanting to have it all better again.

It will be a tough night. I have taken some sleeping pills, and drank some herbal tea. Hopefully sleep will come soon and I can put this day behind me. Tomorrow I will face grumpy teenagers that will take my mind off of things for a bit if just a bit. This has been a long month without seeing my therapist. Weekly is getting too expensive, but this has almost been too long. Maybe the student that sent the link to his church is on to something. In that big group of women, some of them must have gone through divorce. I can't be the only person in this city that has gone through this nightmare of having her world destroyed with that one word.

Divorce was for other people, not me. I did all the things I was told you were suppose to do. I did what I had to do for my family. For that, this is my reward.

So, yes, I'm having a pity party. I guess I'm glad no one reads this blog, because I'm sure it would make anyone reading throw up at my self indulged grief.

Sleep is starting to come now. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. I will make a plan to get out and do things I enjoy. I will try and be positive and stop making myself a prisoner of my grief. There has to be more that I can do that will take my mind off of my problems and off of my husband.

"To get out of my head." That should be my goal.

I joined a support group about two weeks ago. I'm glad I did, because through them I am seeing me. I'm not alone in what I feel or behave, but its frustrating to realize this may be with me the rest of my life.

I am addicted to relationships. I fear abandonment, and now I'm seeing that the problem with this addiction is that even though I crave to be in one, it is just the relationship I want, not the person. For my husband, he too craves a relationship, but only for the self-esteem, then he has to run from it and find a new source to boost his ego. He runs, and I pursue. He feels guilty and returns, and I smoother so that he has to run away again. I know I have written on this before, but this is just one of those things that have to be faced.

One of the revelations I had today, was the fact that a relationship addict usually avoids relationships with one specific gender. In my case, it's women. I have women friends, but I don't have women, "FRIENDS." I don't go out with the "girls." Instead I find unavailable men to be "best friends" with. Not only do I get the high of having a special friend to share my thoughts with, but I don't have to worry about ever being responsible for the relationship. After all they are married. I see these men as "brothers." What I really see are men that I can share intimacy with without the fear of abandonment. The problem is, its not real intimacy. It is just a "head-fake."

The man I am married to is who I need to be sharing intimacy with but we are no closer now then perhaps when we first met. We shared a bed and two kids, but that is about it. He never told me of his real past or shared his feelings. I may never have given him a chance, but the fact that he was so quick to push me into marriage was a whole slew of red flags that everyone ignored.

So how do you begin to make friends with other people? How do you just go out and have fun? I've been phobic of that for a long time. I had a husband, why did I need to do that? I always rushed home to spend time with him. Online friends don't cut it. Even this support group is online. I need to make real contact with people.

I need to make real friends so I'm not sitting in this house pining away for this man. My wedding band will keep me from jumping into a new relationship, but what I need to do is build relationship with women. I have to selectively set my preferences for men aside and see if I can develop relationship with women that aren't threatened by the presence of men in their lives.

I use to have girl friends, but as they paired off and married, I lost everyone of them. When I married, I stopped having any girl friends. A lot of it is this addiction doesn't let me "share" with anyone. The other is this general mistrust of all things female I guess.

I'm not sure where it began, but I'm sure it had a lot to do with my two-sisters isolating me in the family. They were very close but excluded me. My mom compensated, and I was like her best friend, until I made her mad one day and I wasn't her best friend anymore. That honor went to my oldest sister, and then to my younger after my older sister was killed. I was odd man out of the family from that point on.

I've not trusted other women since. Instead I try to find "brothers" when I should have been trying to find friends to have healthy relationships with. So here I am now, wondering how at the age of 50 I find friends. I'm not even sure how you make a friend its been that long, and I have done it so badly.

I don't want to join a church. I really don't need any more religious abuse in my life, especially in this area of the country where fundamentalism is king. I have to start somewhere though. I have to find some way to be part of something bigger then me and not related to work.

I'm at a loss, and I'm afraid of change even when it is needed.

I am mad at myself right now.

I let a couple of good days with my husband and kids get to me and I actually asked him to consider letting us be a family again.

How stupid.

I don't even know what that means, "being a family again?"

He doesn't want to sleep with me. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to really spend that much time with me.

He does want me to cook for him. I did that a couple of times this weekend as he has been working to finish the foyer in the basement. I thought it rude to not at least feed him as he is paying for and doing the work.

He does want me to be there when he wants company. He asked me to have lunch with him on Saturday.

But he doesn't want to be married and he doesn't want to be with me, and he is convinced he doesn't love me.

I'm an idiot.

I should be grateful for this chance to finally be free of all of this. Free of his judgmental family. Free of his lies and emotional abuses. Free to maybe find someone someday that will treat me with respect and love. I'm not even sure I would recognize that if it hit me in the face.

I'm reading this second book my therapist lent me titled "The Dance of Deception." Its about truth telling and pretending in women's lives. It was a slow start, but it is getting much more interesting. I have seen myself in several of the case studies. I need to write more about what I'm reading in these books. I need to find the real me that isn't afraid of challenge and change. The woman that earned a PhD and then was made to feel bad for being smart by his family. I swear that is the only reason they thought the things they did. I HAD to be a princess, because I thought I was better then them! How about, in my family we did what we were told to do, and we didn't come into the kitchen to help unless asked?

Or how about, I had to burn the candle at both ends in order to keep my job, so yes, I'm not overly social right now because I'm dog tired! I reduce my work load so I don't have to be so stressed and my husband announces he is going to leave anyway!

Damn it! Nothing I do is good enough for him or his family so I should be grateful to be out. I only wish I had the money to afford this divorce and I would get it over with. Right now, I can't even afford rent on a cheap apartment. There is no place to go but stay here and try to make the best out of it.

I need to regain my dignity and stop asking stupid requests like that.

I have to respect myself enough to know I don't need him or any man to be happy. He is just the father of my kids and nothing more to me now. I need to wrap my mind around that and embrace it.

My son always said I was happier when he was gone. I should listen more to my son and less to my unhealthy self.

Last year my husband sent a dozen red roses to my school where I teach so they could be delivered in front of all the kids. I still keep the card and the little glitter heart that was part of it. This year we are separated but still living under the same roof. I have been feeling myself become detached more and more, but I'm not there yet and this day makes it worse.

He asked me out on a date last weekend. I agreed and we had a pretty decent time. He acted a bit awkward, but it was fun. I reciprocated this weekend, but didn't emphasis the Valentine's day part. I took him to a nice restaurant that I wanted to go to (just in case he didn't have fun, I was going to eat where I wanted.) Then we played some pool. (I actually did rather well.) then we tried for a movie, but the only things out were either not interesting to me, or were romance movies which was something neither of us were ready to do together.

So we went home, talked a few minutes over a beer and he said goodnight and off he went to his space. This morning he is gone from the house and I have no idea where he is.

So what is the problem?

The whole time his words were saying he had a good time, but he only smiled a couple of times, once when he told a joke, and once later at home when I shared a funny video I found. He wasn't willing to come up with too much conversation, and was quiet and stand-off-ish.

He told me once that the way he treated me showed that he didn't love me. I would counter and say the way he treats me shows me how much he hates me, because he wouldn't treat a friend or work acquaintance the way he has treated me. I try to be pleasant. I try to be friendly and make conversation. We talked about superficial things, but he would not relax for anything and acted bored and uncomfortable the whole time. I'm sure his internet girl friend would have been much more fun assuming she could get away from her husband and kids for the night.

I cried some this morning. The first tears I shed in quite some time. They didn't last long. I felt myself pulled to wanting him back, but it didn't last so long this time. My anger kicked in while I am writing this and my courage came back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated like this.

I want him to get the help he needs. I want him to become a healthy person, if he is willing to change. I just don't think I want to waste any more years on a man that may or may not be there for me emotionally. Twenty-three years is a long time to live in a lie. We agreed to at least try joint counseling together before filing any papers. I just don't know now if I want to wait for even that, but I have to be patient. So much financially depends on us staying together.

Now I'm the one that feels trapped and wanting out. I'm in limbo. The only thing this gold band on my left hand is doing is keeping me from jumping to find a new relationship to replace this one, because that is what I want to do right now. Everything in my inner being craves a new relationship so I don't have to be alone.

I'm not close to being healthy yet.

I spoke with my husband last night about his awkward behavior around me.

He said he was just having good days and bad. I don't know. He was more pleasant tonight but still a bit stand-off-ish. He still wants to go on a date tomorrow evening, but honestly I don't know what to think. I guess I should just relax and stop analyzing him.

I keep trying to do "something" that will bring him back around. I can't DO ANYTHING and I can't seem to grasp that idea. I miss him, but I'm feeling this detachment begin. I'm thinking more and more that maybe I don't want him to come back. Yes, that sounds like a contradiction, but the truth is, I can't stop hearing in my head, "maybe I'm better off without him?"

Ann Landers use to write that one should ask the question, "are you better off with or without this person?" I use to answer that diffinatively I'm better off WITH him. I never questioned that for a moment. I never questioned his fidelity, or his loyalty. I always believed he loved me.

I think I see now that he never really did. I don't think he knows what love is, or what he really feels, but for sure, he was ready to run out on me at the first offer.

So why do I want him back?

I can't answer that question. I guess that is why I'm in therapy and take a little peach pill every day. The good news is, the peach pill has helped me cope with the stress. I'm sleeping better and eating better. I'm keeping up with my work, though its not has been nearly as professional as I could be. Its been sloppy a bit, but I get better at it as I get back in the game.

I think I'm grieving a bit that my focus is less on Jim and more on me. That should be a good thing, but for me, its heart breaking to feel myself push away emotionally from him. I'm starting to see him as just this guy that lives downstairs and oh by they way, he's the father to my two kids.

Maybe it is just a matter of time. I'll just have to let this thing play out. Will therapy help him, or is it just delaying the inevitable?

He goes home next weekend to face his sister and mother face to face. I seriously doubt there will be too much said. I was never really "in" the family thanks to him in the first place.

I'm tired and ranting now.

I doubt it makes any sense to you reader to see how I want to have my husband back, but at the same time, deny that is what I really want.

That's okay. I'm confused too.

I have no idea what this man wants of me. Isn't it enough to tell me that I was never loved by him, never wanted, disrespected, and now he wants a divorce but WAIT, we have to stay under the same roof! So its bad enough I have done my best to be as patient and calm as can be, to now have him treat me like I don't exist in the house. This is the man that wanted things polite and cordial. He was more then happy to talk and at least be friendly, but not now!

Monday he saw my therapist, and since then he has been as tight as a drum. He was at least cordial and polite, and said goodnight, now he just avoids. He asked me to go with him to look at lights, but he just acted cold even though he opened the truck door for me. Now he just takes off after being home a total of 15 mins. That was enough time to eat something fast, talk to the kids a moment and then run off in his truck again.

I had invited him to dinner on Saturday, and I asked if that was off. He said, he should be able to have dinner, but if he is going to be distant and rude like this, why should I?

I just don't get it. Fine, he wants a divorce. Fine, he doesn't want or love me. At least tell me the rules we are playing by here so I'm not wasting time wondering what is going on all the time.

Isn't it bad enough to be trapped in the same house?

This weekend has been a mix of a lot of different things. I stood up to my husband over this taking money off the top of his expense reports to fund his "vacations" while we still carry so much debt created at his hand.

We are still not sleeping together and probably won't for a long while.

We are trying to maintain a friendship, and he did ask me out on a real date last night. I in turn asked him to dinner for next Saturday, without mentioning that it was Valentine's day. I will continue to not to mention that to him as it is probably not the best way to treat the evening when one is a relationship addict. It will just be another Saturday night. I will fix dinner and treat for the evening whether it is a movie or playing pool.

I had a success in my process. Like the museum, I enjoyed myself for me. I really do enjoy playing pool and the movie was wonderful. I wasn't wrapped up in his feelings which made my time much more enjoyable. When the evening was over he went to his space and I went to mine. I didn't ask him to stay.

I will be honest that I do want him to stay. I want him to come back to bed with me, but its not the right thing or the best thing right now. We have to build a friendship, we have to have mutual respect and trust again before I can let myself be physical with him. We made that mistake 23-years ago. Two weeks into dating, we were hot and heavy in bed. It was a red flag that we ignored that the relationship was not real.

I know I may be deceiving myself again. I am reading a new book lent to me by my therapist. She likes to give me homework, and this latest read is titled "The Dance of Deception." So far I have read the forward. I'm still processing the last book and am certain now that my need for a relationship is stronger then my need to be a whole person. That is what I have to work on. I have to learn to be good with me as I have blogged so many times already.

I joined an online support group for those that are working through their own processes. Some are sex addicts, some are avoiders and some like me are relationship junkies. I don't feel so alone now. I would like to find away to meet new people and make friends. My son is right that I need to get out more and do things with other people. He worries for me.

So far for today, I am maintaining. The antidepressant is helping me from mood swinging and I feel more in control of my actions. I will take my daughter out to a movie. I have walked out in the sun around our house and admired the new life springing out of the ground. I am grateful that for today, I'm feeling like a whole person.

My thought for the day comes from Psalm 121.

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

I keep looking for approval and finding none.

Today my son blew up at me because he is sick of hearing about it all. He's right, he shouldn't have to hear about it all. He just wants us to get divorced and be done. My daughter thinks its all my fault. I'm the one not trying hard enough and anything I say is so "not worth being upset about."

Nothing I do seems to please anyone.

I try to be financially responsible and tell the truth and I'm treated like the plague.

My only goal has been to help this family get out of debt. Every penny has gone to that goal while my husband skimmed off the top to pay for nice vacations for himself that included private fishing charters. He is even planning to fly out west this spring or summer for a hunting trip. Meanwhile, we have this huge debt, a son that needs his own instrument to play in college, and a looming divorce bill.

He always justified it by saying it was money he saved from his travel allowance, yet that money was not used to help pay off debt faster that would allowed him even more funds to do what he wanted. It's just about getting around me. Always.

Why do I even want this man? Am I this addicted that I continue to make excuses for everything and justify his actions? Have I so little self-respect that I let him enjoy all the comforts of home without any consequences?

It's good that I will be seeing my therapist today. I need to re-establish the boundaries and stick to my original rules. I have to stop physical contact. I have to stop asking that he come back upstairs to bed.

I'm weak. I'm overwhelmed. My family is falling apart.

Its not been the most successful week. I have been drawing in and out of my personal boundaries where my husband is concerned. I've tried being kind, tried maintaining an "image" of a family, but its not working. I find myself trying to "do" things for him, to show my love and worth. He sits about taking advantage while he chats away with his "friend." I almost let myself clean up after him when I saw dirty dishes in the basement.

I took a step yesterday toward getting support.

I joined an online support group in hopes of keeping my feet on the ground. I have to keep remembering that he is the one that wanted divorce. He is the one that didn't want to work through our problems and HE is the one that put this stranger in the middle between us instead of dealing with the issues in a fair manner.

It always comes down to money it seems. He couldn't budget. He couldn't say no even when he knew he didn't have the money. Even now, he tenses over money issues. We are separating the money, but instead of putting some of his travel money into the join account until all the bills were paid, he opened his own checking account with it all. We bounced the house check and risked bouncing seven hundred more dollars in bill payments.

He is oblivious.

Well, after the 12th of this month, my paycheck should go to my new account. He paid me what we agreed should be his share of food for the month and I will add that to my assets.

I'm angry right now.

I'm angry that he would rather run away and avoid then to face the truth. He has so demonized me that I am to blame for everything that he has convinced himself that he is better off without me. I say that perhaps it is the kids and I that are better off without him.

I will work on my recovery. I will continue to see Jean and perhaps look for a sponsor to help me through my relationship issues. The only thing that is important right now is getting healthy for me. I'm certain he will find something wrong with Jean next week. She will tell him the truth about himself and he won't be able to accept it. After all, he has never had to accept responsibility. He is the perfect son and brother after all.

Let him file. Free me from the emotional abuse. Free me from his constant blame. Free me from his family that never could believe that he would be at fault for anything. I am stronger then he thinks and I AM a good person.

So here I am blogging when I should be sleeping.

Okay, so I'm a self-proclaimed relationship addict and my love avoidant husband is sleeping in the basement. All I can think about is getting him to come back upstairs, but at the same time, I don't want him here.

It's the relationship right now that I want, not him. Likewise, he may want the affirmation that I give, but he doesn't want to be with me. The only thing that seems to be working is we are at least keeping the house for one more month.

That is not fully true. One thing is working and that is the separation of our assets. That is working very well for me. It gives me self confidence that I am a valuable contributor, and it gives me control over my own money. I am sad to a point that we don't have a joint account, but I always felt like I had to ask permission to spend my own money, while he went off and bought what ever expensive thing he wanted without so much as asking my opinion. Now he has to keep the numbers in front of him and be aware of his own spending. If he over spends its on him not me. That I do feel good about.

As for the rest, I just don't know. Can we continue to live together and build a true honest relationship or not? He won't talk to me about it. He did admit that he agrees with a lot that I have said from my reading, but he is not willing to talk to me. He says he "doesn't like to talk to me" which must only mean because he feels that I can out debate him. I guess my therapist is going to have her hands full with him. He's already said he may not stay with her if he feels she is to sided toward me. He is so afraid that anyone that has talked to me must already be sided against him. So is he looking for real help or just someone that can tell him there is nothing wrong with him and it must be just his "crazy wife?"

He wants justification. He also wants hugs. He is as conflicted as ever, but hey, he likes sleeping alone as long as his family is near by. He's like the little boy that wants to run away from home by walking around the block. Not far enough to leave, but far enough from his view that he has really shown his independence.

So here I am dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm so not as healthy as I thought I was getting.

Well, tomorrow is a fresh day, and a fresh set of opportunities to focus in on myself. The anti-depressant is working as I haven't had to many panic attacks or feel like the elephant is sitting on my chest. I have even been able to get a few nights of good sleep with on and off help from a sleep aid and herbal tea. I'll set my goal of working on keeping some personal boundaries. Keeping some distance has helped a great deal keep stress down.

If nothing else, keeping things calm can only help.

Goodnight self.

So I'm finishing the book my therapist lent me, "Escape from Intimacy," and I'm wondering if there is anything to be optimistic about? Am I doing and reacting like I am to just keep the illusion of a relationship going, even though there is no relationship there to have?

This morning my husband noted that the heat pump wasn't doing its job as he felt it should. I admit to hating the thing as much as he does as we were both raised up on gas heat. The fan runs non-stop which makes him crazy, and I guess this morning the thing was way below the set point. So he tried to cycle it, except he forgot to turn it back on. Needless to say, when I got up there were icicles hanging in the house.

I text messaged him about it, and he wrote back very apologetic, and saying he "owed me." So what did I do? I was going to make him live up to it and take me out on a date. He's not ready for that yet, but I was going to use it as a way to get "my way," so I can keep up this illusion of a relationship.

Now, honestly I do want to spend time with him and I do want to try and establish real intimacy again if it is possible, but it was clear that he was uncomfortable and I was using his mistake as a way to get around his avoidance of what I wanted to accomplish.

I text messaged him back that I was sorry and that I didn't want him to feel pressure. The heat pump mess was a mistake and he should not feel guilt or "owing" in any of it. He didn't answer me back, but I hope he took it in the right spirit of understanding. I invited him to share dinner with us if he wished.

So I don't know to be proud of myself or depressed that I am still craving the fix. I want him back in bed with me. What is that but looking for the quick fix that everything is going to be okay. He is following his instincts and I guess I should as well. He needs to heal from his avoidance behavior and I need to learn to be good with me. We both need to be healthy first or at least work on recovery if we are to build a real relationship that is healthy. I just get the feeling that it may not be possible. I can only change me. He has to want change for himself and he may not want to do that.

I never thought trying to keep a family together would be this hard. I never thought being good with myself would possibly mean being good without him.

To quote an old saying, "don't borrow trouble." I'll have to take this day by day and try to identify the things I do that are not healthy. I also have to stop thinking of him. My recovery is obviously going to be difficult enough without worrying about his.

I'm feeling pretty sad right now.

I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

I am reading a book that my therapist gave me titled "Escape From Intimacy." It's a book on the various love addictions that prevent individuals from developing true intimate relationships. My husband for sure falls in this category, but I think I do too.

I was always about being a couple. I craved it, I demanded it, I ruined friendships over not getting what I wanted. Then my husband came along and we were joined at the hip. I need to feel I belong to someone special. I have had no desire to be involved with anyone but him, but I "need" him. That's been my problem. I fear abandonment and I fear being seen as single.

My husband is a bit different. He craves the relationship, but perhaps from a more romantic view. However, it's not a relationship he wants. He wants the self-esteem boost that another person, (read that me or any woman) can give him, but he doesn't really want me, or anyone for that matter, despite what he may claim. He is always running, avoiding the things that give him pain, like finances and family issues. He stopped running, and immediately went into meltdown demanding a divorce, because he "could do better on his own." In other words, he doesn't want the responsibility of others, and he barely takes responsibility for himself.

So what do two people that have an unhealthy view of relationships do to stay together but in a healthy way?

I would judge that the overwhelming majority would say, "get out while the getting is good because you can't change him." I would agree with that. I can not change him. I can only change me. But what if he does want to change? Do I abandon him in his recovery? Could we have a real relationship together? We have been together almost twenty-four years, so do I discard all that we had together that was good?

I don't have the answer to any of that.

He is hurting and miserable right now. Sleeping apart has been good for him, and I guess for me as well though I miss him very much. He is still in the house with us, so the kids have access to him when they need him.

He agreed to see my therapist, as his was not doing a good job of taking control of the situation. He was letting my husband set the pace instead of helping him see his issues. My therapist will not do that. She is assertive and will not let him posture over her. My prayer is she will help him see his way out of an avoidant relationship and to having a full one. I hope it will be with me as I too am working toward developing my own identity.

My head says it won't happen, but my heart wants to believe it will. To compromise with my head, I have set up accounts in my own name, and begun the process of budgeting and separating out the bills with him in an equitable way by percent income we both bring in. I'm not giving in to my need to follow him about, or beg him to come back to bed with me, though my heart argues that one a lot. I am letting him have his space and his comfort level. I do miss him.

So for now, I will finish my homework assignment and continue reading this book. I will lean on my friends for support and try to be rational to my kids.

I will keep writing here as I need to get these thoughts out.

Honestly, except for sleeping with him, I don't notice that big a change. I guess that just adds to my therapist's conclusions that we really didn't have a marriage as much as an illusion of one.

I want a real one.

I'm tired tonight.

I don't think I have had a decent night's sleep since this whole mess blew up. I'm taking this mild anti-depressant, er sorry, serotonin re-up-taker. In other words, my medical doctor is trying to bring my blood pressure down by relieving the anxiety. In the meantime, my therapist is going to keep working on reprogramming my brain.

My heart is at war with my head.

Twenty-three years is a lot of years to just walk away from. My kids are caught in the spill over of a very co-dependent issue. My husband is satisfied with the "separation" if that is what you want to call it, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Yet, twenty-three years of waking up beside the same person. The comfort of the familiar, no matter how screwed up it must be. It is his smile I see shining through the pain. The smile I looked up and saw that very first time he came home all grown up.

This weekend we talked calmly and honestly. I was able to keep my personal boundaries up *yeah little peach pills!* and I guess I felt a bit better for doing so. I agreed to take a day trip with him and our daughter to see the terracotta army from china. I honestly have to say that I let myself enjoy the trip with out worrying about his feelings. I was relaxed and spent the time browsing through the whole museum without feeling pressure from him or honestly, myself worrying if everyone was having a good time. I enjoyed the trip for me for a change. He agreed that it was a good day and it was in his comfort level.

We also agreed to try and exhaust all the options before going through with a divorce. I'm not sure of the wisdom, but again, twenty-three years is a lot of years to throw away. Two kids deserve to know that we did everything we could together first. I deserve to know this as well.

He knows he an avoidant. The key is if he is willing to change toward healing himself. That I can't do for him. So I will work on myself to become detached from the need. Its beginning, as I felt it this weekend. If we are to build a relation, it has to be on mutual respect for our individualism. For now, I have homework. I'm reading a book on breaking the cycles of love addiction.

No matter what happens between us, I know that until I am good with me, I will not be good for anyone else. The same is true for him, but that is for him to discover on his own. All I can do is be patient, not return evil for evil and remember that to condemn him for not being able to change, if he is willing, is to condemn myself.

He will stay in the house for now.

As always, the story is to be continued.