I've been attending two closed group sessions this month. The first is a standard 12-step recovery modeled after the famous AA program. It is my goal to re-frame my thinking away from the unhealthy choices I have made in terms of relationships, and learn to improve the current ones that I have. I especially hope to make sure I don't fall into the same traps that put me in unhealthy love relationships. Sadly that included my current husband. As I've mentioned before, his lack of wanting and getting help for his own issues prevents me from investing any more emotionally into him.

The second group is focused directly on divorce recovery and its lead by my current therapist. She is helping me prepare my mind to make the final separation and pursue a divorce. My heart still tugs at me to not give up on my husband, but he gave up on himself a long time ago, and there is absolutely nothing i can do for him now. So I am working to prepare myself, and hopefully make the transition go as easy as possible.

My homework for that later group was to write a good-bye letter to him. I don't think I will be sending it too him, and unless he has figured out how to find this blog, he most likely won't read it. Never say never of course, but it was not my intention for him to read it. Its for me really. My way of hopefully putting to rest the corpse that was once my marriage.

So, I'm off to write some drafts until I'm sure I have it how I want before I post it.

Tonight is also the last night my son will sleep in his own bed until Thanksgiving. He leaves for college tomorrow, and I couldn't be more happy for him, and more sad to see him go. It's his time to shine on his own, and my time to work on his sister to increase her confidence and self esteem. I have already seen a great deal of progress with her. She doesn't care for the stricter rules, but she isn't fighting me either which tells me she is growing up a bit and relaxing a bit.

Until my next update.

Most my posts are probably not that uplifting. After all its easy to sink into things like what my husband did and how it upset me, etc. But I hope this post won't be that way.

You see, yesterday was my birthday. I'm not big on telling people about it, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised when people don't wish me happy birthday, but I got to say, I have been overwhelmed this year. You see, these social network sites publish on your friend's feed facts like your birthday. So yesterday, all day, my phone rang and rang to announce that I had a new posting. Every one was a well wish for a happy birthday. I couldn't get over it.

I didn't need a party, or a fancy cake, though my daughter made me a very special dessert. I didn't even need presents because at my age, there really isn't much that I want that I couldn't get for myself. What I needed was to be thought of.

My husband was in email with me at least 4 times yesterday about this and that. Each time trying to drag me into some conversation about his problems. Each time I avoided it and stuck to the facts of what he was requesting. Not once did he say happy birthday. 23 years of marriage, and you think he would have remembered that yesterday was my birthday. Hell even I said happy birthday too him back in May! So there you have my level of rating in his eyes. He is so consumed with his own issues that he couldn't take a few minutes out to wish me a happy birthday.

The best part was, I didn't need it. It was a bit depressing at first, but then that dang phone of mine kept beeping. How could I possibly be sad when so many took the time to just say, "happy birthday."

The power of words should never be overlooked, nor should the effort, no matter how small.

I had a great day that I won't soon forget.

As for my husband, he will be an "ex" soon enough. He just makes it easier and easier to do what I have to do.

Tomorrow I start my 12-step group and then divorce small group on Thursday. I'm getting there. It's just a matter of the right time and having the money. It just won't be soon enough now for me. I want my freedom. I may never want another man, but I do want my freedom to find out if there is another man that would be good to me as well as for me. What ever was good in our marriage, is gone now. He is a miserable person who's past deeds are crashing in on him now. The moral of the story is you can not avoid your problems. Face them, or eventually they will run you over.

"can't go over it,
can't go under it,
can't go around it,
gotta go through it."

- pre-school rap that I never understood the full meaning of until this summer.

Happy Birthday to ME! May the second half of my life be full of the excitement and joy that I deserve for myself and my kids!

I know what my decision must be concerning my husband, but I'm still fighting the loss. It didn't help that he called me this week to answer a question he could have just as easily emailed. Hearing his voice stirred up the feelings that are still present. Logic may say one thing, but my feelings are still there no matter what I know I must do.

That is what it really is about. I know what must be done, but I am not happy about it. I never wanted divorce, and never saw myself that way. I think it hit me as I was filling out forms and indicating that I was the custodial parent. In all these years, i have never filled out school forms where I didn't check, "both parents."

Now, take those feelings and add to that my son heading to college. He is so excited and so anxious to get going. He isn't leaving any time to spend with me as he packs in trips and activities. He is a social beast, but when it comes to being home, he just wants to get out. I guess that is a normal thing. I try not to take it personally. It does get to me.

So what is positive tonight?

I am working with a divorce recovery group with my therapist.
I am continuing to attend Celebrate Recovery
I am planning to try and work with a 12-step group.

Its a lot, but right now I need the encouragement and to hear the stories of those other women going through this same thing. I met a woman who had been married 23-years just like me, and just like me, she had no clue. We are the dumpees. The left.

I hate the fact that i will have to file the paper work and start the proceedings, but it is getting obvious that the more i stay linked to him, the more impossible it is to be on my own.

I fight asking him one more time, if he is sure this is what he wants. But the answer keeps coming back to me, if it wasn't what he wanted, why then is he doing it and why doesn't he fight a bit to keep things going? In that i have my answer. The answer is in the silence.

I should feel stronger next week. I will be back at work and surrounded by people I care about.

As for my son, welp, that is part of life too. He is suppose to separate and leave home. My energy needs to be directed to my daughter now. At least for the next four years.

After that, I guess it will be "me time" to finally have the full freedom I have missed for a very long time. There is a good part of me that never wants to see that freedom taken from me again.

Today, I felt the burden and pressure of my decision to divorce my husband come off my shoulders after having a wonderful conversation with my daughter. I have been holding back for a lot of reasons, some of them very sound. But the one thing holding me back the most was wondering just how this would affect my daughter. She loves her dad so much, and I wasn't sure if she was ready yet to deal with the reality of the divorce.

I got that answer over an afternoon meal.

My daughter was being very supportive. She knew in no uncertain terms that her father had made the choices he made and did what he did to himself. She had been seeing all along the many times I had tried to work things out with him, only to have him spike it back in my face. She had been watching and paying attention. She knows he will be in her life. He is her dad, but it is also been obvious to her how much he wasn't really there for her like she would like. He had been missing all the important things in her life for a very long time as it was, but since the separation, he has really been missing out.

It is clear to me that he doesn't know how to be a parent. He knows how to be an awesome uncle, but that is it. He does love her, don't get me wrong and I think he would walk through fire to support her financially, but the truth is, he isn't there for her emotionally any more then he was for our son or for me.

It really is just the three of us.

My plan is clear to me now. I have passed my PRAXIS PLT exam, I have my contract signed for this year, and I should be given my full license and tenure this year as well.

If that is the case, The day I have the letter in my hand that I have tenure, that will be the day I retain an attorney.

We had been talking about signs that we are doing the correct thing in our support group, and to me this was the final sign. My daughter understands the reality. She may not like it, but she doesn't blame me either. She doesn't see why I should stay married to a man that causes me so much hurt.

To put it bluntly, "He just isn't in to me" and wishing and stalling won't make him want me any better. I guess in told, I really have been dumped more times then once. Twice this year yes, but if I really look back at my life, he was pushing me away and destroying my self-esteem long before that.

So today was a turning point for me.

My daughter and I continue to build a closer, more lasting relationship. She is one step closer to being able to launch successfully as an adult.