I spoke with my husband last night about his awkward behavior around me.
He said he was just having good days and bad. I don't know. He was more pleasant tonight but still a bit stand-off-ish. He still wants to go on a date tomorrow evening, but honestly I don't know what to think. I guess I should just relax and stop analyzing him.
I keep trying to do "something" that will bring him back around. I can't DO ANYTHING and I can't seem to grasp that idea. I miss him, but I'm feeling this detachment begin. I'm thinking more and more that maybe I don't want him to come back. Yes, that sounds like a contradiction, but the truth is, I can't stop hearing in my head, "maybe I'm better off without him?"
Ann Landers use to write that one should ask the question, "are you better off with or without this person?" I use to answer that diffinatively I'm better off WITH him. I never questioned that for a moment. I never questioned his fidelity, or his loyalty. I always believed he loved me.
I think I see now that he never really did. I don't think he knows what love is, or what he really feels, but for sure, he was ready to run out on me at the first offer.
So why do I want him back?
I can't answer that question. I guess that is why I'm in therapy and take a little peach pill every day. The good news is, the peach pill has helped me cope with the stress. I'm sleeping better and eating better. I'm keeping up with my work, though its not has been nearly as professional as I could be. Its been sloppy a bit, but I get better at it as I get back in the game.
I think I'm grieving a bit that my focus is less on Jim and more on me. That should be a good thing, but for me, its heart breaking to feel myself push away emotionally from him. I'm starting to see him as just this guy that lives downstairs and oh by they way, he's the father to my two kids.
Maybe it is just a matter of time. I'll just have to let this thing play out. Will therapy help him, or is it just delaying the inevitable?
He goes home next weekend to face his sister and mother face to face. I seriously doubt there will be too much said. I was never really "in" the family thanks to him in the first place.
I'm tired and ranting now.
I doubt it makes any sense to you reader to see how I want to have my husband back, but at the same time, deny that is what I really want.
That's okay. I'm confused too.
He said he was just having good days and bad. I don't know. He was more pleasant tonight but still a bit stand-off-ish. He still wants to go on a date tomorrow evening, but honestly I don't know what to think. I guess I should just relax and stop analyzing him.
I keep trying to do "something" that will bring him back around. I can't DO ANYTHING and I can't seem to grasp that idea. I miss him, but I'm feeling this detachment begin. I'm thinking more and more that maybe I don't want him to come back. Yes, that sounds like a contradiction, but the truth is, I can't stop hearing in my head, "maybe I'm better off without him?"
Ann Landers use to write that one should ask the question, "are you better off with or without this person?" I use to answer that diffinatively I'm better off WITH him. I never questioned that for a moment. I never questioned his fidelity, or his loyalty. I always believed he loved me.
I think I see now that he never really did. I don't think he knows what love is, or what he really feels, but for sure, he was ready to run out on me at the first offer.
So why do I want him back?
I can't answer that question. I guess that is why I'm in therapy and take a little peach pill every day. The good news is, the peach pill has helped me cope with the stress. I'm sleeping better and eating better. I'm keeping up with my work, though its not has been nearly as professional as I could be. Its been sloppy a bit, but I get better at it as I get back in the game.
I think I'm grieving a bit that my focus is less on Jim and more on me. That should be a good thing, but for me, its heart breaking to feel myself push away emotionally from him. I'm starting to see him as just this guy that lives downstairs and oh by they way, he's the father to my two kids.
Maybe it is just a matter of time. I'll just have to let this thing play out. Will therapy help him, or is it just delaying the inevitable?
He goes home next weekend to face his sister and mother face to face. I seriously doubt there will be too much said. I was never really "in" the family thanks to him in the first place.
I'm tired and ranting now.
I doubt it makes any sense to you reader to see how I want to have my husband back, but at the same time, deny that is what I really want.
That's okay. I'm confused too.
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