Happy new year!

It is a happy new year.  2010 wasn't a terrible a year.  It will go down as the year I finally divorced my husband and graduated with a masters of education.  It was a year that I actually took a vacation for myself and proved that I could.  It was a year that I stepped out to make new friends and toured one of the largest cities in the world.

So what will happy in 2011?  Don't know, haven't lived it yet! :)

I do know this.  I'm not afraid.  We make our own future, one day at a time, and right now, the only thing ahead of me now is trying to decide what to do when I finally get back to school on Monday.

No new years resolutions this time, except to say, I resolve to make the most of the time that is given me and let what happens, happen. 

I love Cowboy Bebop.

My daughter recently discovered the series on YouTube and I have to admit, she is showing at least some good taste. She downloaded the soundtrack which was performed by the Seatbelts.

This is jazz at some of it's best. The alto sax is just sick and makes for excellent traveling music.  This leads me to my next big update.  I'm going on vacation, all by myself.  I decided it was time to go exploring and take in some new sights never seen by me, and explore new ground never traveled.  It's unspoiled and uncluttered by the past with absolutely no memories of anyone to cloud it and ruin it.  I'll write more about it later and post some pictures too.

In the meantime, enjoy a little "Tank!" courtesy of the Seatbelts!

Hello blog!

Yes, its been a while. Reality has a way of interfering with the things we really want to do.

Next week it will be official. I will be legally single again. I really don't want to talk any more about the things that caused that to become a new reality for me. I am trying to change my focus in life. I dwell way too much on the past and wanting to change the things that I can't change. I have to separate myself better from the things that trigger those emotions.

So I reached out and called a friend.

Turns out this friend is like me in that she knows a lot of people, but she doesn't really have many friends to just hang out with. Most the woman I know that are my age, are well, not into doing too many silly things, or they are married or dating. This friend is married, but she really wants to have a girl's night out. So we are going to see "Sex in the City 2" and then go to, are you ready for it? A drag queen show!

I guess you could say this officially kicks off my bucket list accomplishements.

So far, I have completed the following:

1. I got tenure. Let's here it for job security!
2. I learned to repair a screen door. Google is your friend!
3. I got over my fear and filed for divorce. Life is too short to live it in fear.
4. I'm learning to enjoy going out by myself. Staying at home is boring.

Now those aren't actually bucket list worthy, but I'm new at this bucket list thing.

My biggest goal in life is to finally go on a cruise. I have never been on one, and for YEARS I was promised that we would go, and for YEARS it went unfilled. So, I'm going to make my own dreams happen, and I'm going to take my daughter along with me!

I was thinking of something simple, a cruise about the Caribbean, but you know, if I'm going to do this, why not do this large? I would LOVE to go to South America. Okay, that is going to be pricey, and we will need passports, so I will have to get a passport this year for myself and my daughter. Yup, not cheap I know to make this dream come true, and it may not be until she graduates from high school, but I will make it come true.

There is one thing I am very proud of in my life. When I started to make promises to my kids and myself, I came through. I honestly still do not fully comprehend how I was able to go from unemployed to employed in about 5 minutes like I did when I got my teaching job, but who am I to doubt the verse that says "through Christ, all things are possible."

I have reflected a lot lately on what it will be like to be completely on my own. I have been a partner and a mate for nearly all of my adult life. So many things in society are still geared at couples. Even for vacation bible school, they wanted "married couples" to head the family groups. There is so much emphasis on being coupled, its no wonder we have so many people rushing into marriages they don't really belong in just to fit in. I have a lot of restructuring of my mind to do still.

Last night wasn't easy after having my ex here during the day to do yard work with the kids. We were a family again for a few brief moments, but then he left to take the kids to dinner and I was alone.

I cried a bit, but I took myself out, and then I did what I said I should do and never did, and called a friend.

I took a chance on rejection, and it paid off.

Nicholas Cage said in the movie "Ghost Rider," "You can't live in fear."

I no longer have the option of hiding behind someone else. I have to take the risks, and when I am rejected, I have to shake it off, and move on to the next opportunity.

Welcome to my reality. Let's share it.

I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.

"Life sucks and then you die," has been a common quote I have heard and said since I was in my 20's. This week, I feel like life couldn't get any "suckier."

Truth is, the stress level with teachers is rising higher and higher. Teachers jobs are now going to be tied to achievement with end of course exams. We have to blame someone when little jimmy can't read. Parent who never read to their child, or invested time in reading specialists and seeing that their child was in school EVERY day...oh no..not their fault one bit! Governments that tie precious money to buy books and supplies so that little johnny isn't reading something written in the mid 50's that is out of date and stereotypical of the era, well, that isn't their fault! But schools and teachers that work their asses off, required to keep students in school .. sorry HOLD STUDENTS HOSTAGE in school without any regard for what is best for the kid, oh and make them ALL graduate, well hey.. its OUR fault.

You know..sometimes little johnny is happier if little johnny is learning a trade that will put a roof over his head and food on the table. Little johnny may not WANT to go to college, and frankly at the price of tuition these days, why should they pay that much for a crap shoot chance of getting a real paying job in their field?

But tomorrows economy demands college educated people!

Well you know what.. FINE..educate WELL the ones that are truely college ready, and let those that are career technical or vocational FREE to be what they need to do! The most disruptive students I have seen in school are disruptive because they just are not happy where they are? How many adults willingly continue in a job if they aren't happy. We already know how many dump a marriage if they aren't happy, so WHY are we forcing college on kids WHO by the way, you put a hammer in their hand and give them meaningful work will become the most polite, respectable and well adjusted kids you ever saw?

We are going to STILL need plumbers.

We are going to STILL need carpenters.

We are going to STILL need all tradesmen and no they do NOT need college degrees.

They need a highly specific technical program that teaches them the math, reading, science and other stuff and turns them loose on a job site in the afternoon. They are productive, they are willing to learn because it is in small exposure amounts, and for many who ARE the bread winners in their family, it supplies a source of income.

Instead of getting in trouble in school or out in town, they are making a decent wage, learning a valuable skill and feeling darn good about themselves. AND ISN'T that what real education is all about? Achieving something?

Stop distracting the college kids...lets us teach them to the standards we were taught too.

Stop holding back the vocational students that are talented with mechanical and construction skills. Let them work. If they are making money, they are paying taxes and they are supporting society and not being a burden.

OR....

Continue to do it our way. Force them to stay in school, fight with them to behave,if they even make it to school and BTW get NO support from parents at home, and watch them move from the school room to the jail cell in one easy step.

There is a good reason we refer to the local county detention center as "High School North."

Sorry for the typos. This is a rant and I SHOULD be asleep!

Tonight I set out on a new course. 

I've grieved and grown fat and lazy.  The signed papers will be in my hands soon, and then it will be in the hands of the courts.  Career-wise I am on a fast track upward.  I am well liked by my administration, and have a thousand and one ideas that I know I can never do, but I'm going to try anyway.  Now, to get my physical body in line with my brain.

I have begun "Operation Screw U _____" (The name is left blank on purpose, but I know what goes in there.)  I started back working out three nights a week, and have begun my diet program.  My goal is to weight at a maximum 170 lbs.  I would LOVE to weigh 155 lbs.  That would be my dream size.  I will then throw away all my clothes and start over! :)

Well, maybe not that severe, but I do plan to do some serious re-arranging of priorities.  I need my metabolism back up, I need my energy, and I need to stop thinking about my soon to be ex-husband with a focus that maybe I could find some one else that might actually appreciate me.

I thought I had that in this last relationship, but I did not, so if I do feel that pull again, I know I need to be patient and see how it plays out and if "Mr. Wonderful" still thinks I am after 1 year.  Right now, I'm very much in the "I don't trust or even like men very much" phase.  I like the idea of dating and maybe finding someone nice, but I have to be good with me, and right now, I have a lot of body fat to get rid of. 

I just hope Grandma Stephen's genetics will let me!

In the meantime, here is my newest theme song.  I plan to play it at least once or twice a day to remind me to "Defy Mediocrity."

But I'm very happy.  I'm here in a hotel room on the campus where my son attends school.  My daughter is asleep out on the sofa in our suite. 

We had a calm moment tonight just sitting down together and eating some ice cream in the room.  It was a family moment before the hecticness of what will be parent's weekend.  My son left to return to his dorm room and my daughter and I cleaned up for bed.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my son, seeing his classes and meeting his mentor.  We have concerts to go too, and other parents to meet and of course no time together is complete without a sushi feast!

It just feels good to be together as a family.

Now to get some sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Ash Wednesday, the first official day of lent.

This year, I'm going to spend lent a bit more reflective about where I am going as a person.  I got the idea actually from my daughter who is reading from Justin Lucadoo's book 97 Random Thoughts and then following up with a journal entry about it.  So in like manner, I'm going to be spending time in this blog.

My life as a married woman has come to an end.  Yes, there are still many papers to be signed and a judge will preside and undo what I promised I would never see undone.  I have mourned it for a year now, but it is time to move on. I look around the room and it seems as if nothing has changed.  My momentos are still here, including the first present my husband ever gave me.  I see crafts that my kids made when they were in preschool and elementary school.  There are pictures and books and on the wall, a shelf made of oak, with a heart and our initials carved on the back.  On a dresser is a jewelry box that he made for me the first year we were together.  All memories of the past, many good, but still just in the past now.

I recently saw a video segment on the Today show talking about the importance of not bringing up the past with new people.  I'm not ready to even consider another person in my life, but I do know that as long as I keep myself emotionally linked to my ex-husband I will kill off any chance of new friendships and commitments.

So, as part of lent, I will be removing the past and bringing in the new.  Time to pack up what was.  Of course I can't pack up the kids, and I don't plan to, but it is time to take the things that represented us as a couple out.  I will pack them and put them away to give to the kids if they want them. I will replace them with new memories and make my life my own again.