What a wild couple of weeks I have had.  Make it a couple of months.

It started in March when I got a red flag on my blood pressure.  It was through the roof.  So I went to my doctor who got it under control with, well we will call it "pill 1."

In the process of talking with my doctor, I told her how I can hardly breath.  So I got sent to Doctor 2 who has since brought me under his care and got me started on "pill 2." Later this week we also start shots, but for now, we will stick with just "pill 2."

Meanwhile, back at doctor #1, an irregularly low level came back from my thyroid.  I guess the old girl decided to just stop producing what it was suppose to produce.  Prescription for "pill 3" was called in and so now my morning begins with a cocktail of pills 1-3, a steroid nose spray, and just for fun, if my chest feels tight, I got this lovely inhaler!

So after a few short months of all this silliness, I am happy to report that steam is no longer pouring from my ears from my high blood pressure.  I am sleeping through the night and as long as I'm on pill #2 and the steroid spray, I seem to have stopped snoring so much and waking up rested.  The most surprising news is that "pill #3" really has seemed to be doing something for me.  For the few short days I have been on it, I have started to get my old energy back to do things.  I went the entire weekend without resorting to a nap, and tonight was one of the first times that I didn't immediately collapse in my chair..though I think I may have snored a little during the news.

So after all this retuning of my physiology, will this make me a bit more sane?  I hope not. :)

I'm going to pursue eHarmony again.  See if maybe over the summer I might meet someone nice for an occasional dinner or movie.  I need real people and real friends.  I'm not getting it from my usual online sources.  I guess, I'm just getting to an age where those "younguns" don't really want to hang out with an old person.  Actually, I think it is more, that this "oldun" has different views on what a friend is, and honestly what we see as friends online are just acquaintances.  There is no effort or sacrifice.  Not to say there aren't real relationships, but those are also real in the non digital world.

To quote one of those "younguns,"  "Why don't you go out and find people that you can game with if you want people to play with you?"

So, I guess that is what I'm going to do.  I don't think I will find too many 50 somethings that do what I do.  We are rare and most are married.  It may be a hobby I have to eventually do with out in lieu of something more traditional.

I don't know.  I know I feel a bit better.  I know I have unfinished business with myself.

I don't know if  "moving on" is going to be possible until that business is taken care of.

Well here I am getting ready to call it a day.  It's been kind of an odd week.  Can't explain it too well, other than this is one of those nights, where I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I'm trying to figure out where the avoidance part of my personality got started.  Maybe it was when I realized I have always been on the outside looking in at close friendships.  I'm not trying to beat myself up here.  I have this brain that thinks analytically you see.  So no, I'm not sad or emotional when I write this.

I haven't been the center of the group, except when I teach.  My students look up to me, or at least try to figure out why I'm so odd I guess.  But that puts me in the center of the attention.  I control what happens and when.

My social circles aren't like that.  I pretty much am stuck to the outside looking in at all those close friendships and realizing I'm not really part of that.  I have been blessed with people that allow me to be friends with them.  They are very active people in their own right, so getting time with them to just plan something for the weekend isn't happening very well.

I kind of took on the role of keeping the ball rolling, but the response to the notices and idea exchanges is getting less and less.  I guess I should take the silence as a hint, that I'm no longer "cute" but perhaps, "annoying."

So, I have decided that no matter what, I would go on and do things for myself. 

I put the invitation out there, but I'm not going to sit alone at home and bemoan that no one would do things with me.  I'm going to push through and even if it means doing things stag, I will still do them.

I could be miserable at home alone, OR I could be doing something that may be fun, and yeah, it would be more fun with others, but I don't need others to make me happy. 

So maybe I am finally growing up.  I really don't like being alone.  I don't like doing things alone.  But had I not gone on vacation alone, I would never have experienced Savannah, nor would I have got to meet and share the experiences of interesting people from all over.  Those experiences are my experience now and they are priceless.

I'll go to the dinner theater, and I will sit with other groups and kinda blend in with them and maybe be welcomed into their conversations.  I am going to do this fun walk, and even though I represent only me, I'm sure there will be others along the way to share conversation with.

I will keep going out to eat on my own and sit up at the bar and just talk to people, even if it is just the bartender because each time I do, I get a bit better at being a whole person. 

I don't want to be needy.  I want to set my own pace and walk my own path and share it with whoever is also on that same path for however brief it is.

I had a wonderful time in NYC and I shared it with some awesome women.  We have had the experience of getting out together twice since.  It may most likely be the last time together, but I am better for it.

The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was assuming I didn't need anyone else because I had my ex-husband.  That is when I stopped being an individual and became just property.  He may have treated my like property, but I was the one that gave him permission to do so.

I'm not property and I'm valuable and worth knowing, even if that is just for a 2.5 mile walk around downtown Johnson City.

The day of love.

Sadly, I'm not in love.  Well, maybe I am but it is misguided.  There is this kernel of him still there inside of my head and my heart that I would pay any amount of money for a surgeon to remove.

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to deal with it.  I do know that today only bothered me a .. little.  It's not like I was getting anything awesome.  When I did get these amazing flowers and dinner out I thought I was "queen of the world."  Truth was, it was just him trying to convince himself that he loved me.

I think that has been the hardest thing to take in through all of this.  I know that I'm not un-loveable.  I may be hard to love, but I'm far from un-loveable.  It was just, he wasn't in love with me.  I would like to think that he was at one time.  Truth is, I don't know and probably will never know.  I think he was in love with the idea of "being in love" just as I was in love with the idea of having a relationship.

Let us be brutally honest here.  I don't think either one of us was truely, in love with the other.  We were both, in love with ourselves and we romanced the notion of a relationship.  We never worked on being in one.

That is hard for me to say, because here I was committed to something that I would have stayed with until death.  I even had two children in it.

I told him I loved him every day, multiple times.  There, as Shakespeare would say, "is the rub."  I had to keep saying it.  Maybe he was right when he asked, "who was I trying to convince?"

I still say it, out loud when I'm alone, or think I am alone.  It just comes out like some sort of nervous "tick."  It is getting less, but it is still there, and I think on him far more then I should.  Even in writing this, he is there haunting me.

I don't cry so much any more if at all, but I have grown indifferent to the thought of love for myself.  I know great guys are still out there, some of whom have been equally hurt or coming to the same conclusions I have been coming too, wondering, is there anyone out there for them?

One of my friends after being single for a very long time announced her engagement.  I was happy for her and sad for me.  One more kindred spirit going over to the "dark side" of couple-ness. 

I've been thinking a lot about the adult mentors in my life.  I can't really think of one woman I really looked up too.  The mentors that made a huge difference in my life were the men. It is why I go out of my way to TRY and bond with other woman and develop same sex relationships before trying to go out and find a male companion.

So what is on tap for me in the near future?  What bucket items do I need to cross off the list?

For one, I think I'm going to try and do the 4K fun walk for the Chasing Snakes marathon run.  I think I can walk 4 kilometers.  It is something I have never done, and I'm sure it would a lot of fun and may get me out meeting new people.

I will probably die after becoming such a slug this winter, but I want to try.  It will be in the city, so the roads should be relatively flat and in good condition, unlike where I live out here in the foot hills.

So Happy Valentine's Day.  It is a happy day because I have two awesome kids and they make up the difference so much.  I don't think I could have gotten through what I did without being focused on them.  But, as the "adult" I need to separate and find new outlets so I don't become over dependent on them and keep them from living their own lives.

I am a very strong person.  I have learned that.  I will work through this last stage of grief and I will be a better person for it.

Happy new year!

It is a happy new year.  2010 wasn't a terrible a year.  It will go down as the year I finally divorced my husband and graduated with a masters of education.  It was a year that I actually took a vacation for myself and proved that I could.  It was a year that I stepped out to make new friends and toured one of the largest cities in the world.

So what will happy in 2011?  Don't know, haven't lived it yet! :)

I do know this.  I'm not afraid.  We make our own future, one day at a time, and right now, the only thing ahead of me now is trying to decide what to do when I finally get back to school on Monday.

No new years resolutions this time, except to say, I resolve to make the most of the time that is given me and let what happens, happen. 

I love Cowboy Bebop.

My daughter recently discovered the series on YouTube and I have to admit, she is showing at least some good taste. She downloaded the soundtrack which was performed by the Seatbelts.

This is jazz at some of it's best. The alto sax is just sick and makes for excellent traveling music.  This leads me to my next big update.  I'm going on vacation, all by myself.  I decided it was time to go exploring and take in some new sights never seen by me, and explore new ground never traveled.  It's unspoiled and uncluttered by the past with absolutely no memories of anyone to cloud it and ruin it.  I'll write more about it later and post some pictures too.

In the meantime, enjoy a little "Tank!" courtesy of the Seatbelts!

Hello blog!

Yes, its been a while. Reality has a way of interfering with the things we really want to do.

Next week it will be official. I will be legally single again. I really don't want to talk any more about the things that caused that to become a new reality for me. I am trying to change my focus in life. I dwell way too much on the past and wanting to change the things that I can't change. I have to separate myself better from the things that trigger those emotions.

So I reached out and called a friend.

Turns out this friend is like me in that she knows a lot of people, but she doesn't really have many friends to just hang out with. Most the woman I know that are my age, are well, not into doing too many silly things, or they are married or dating. This friend is married, but she really wants to have a girl's night out. So we are going to see "Sex in the City 2" and then go to, are you ready for it? A drag queen show!

I guess you could say this officially kicks off my bucket list accomplishements.

So far, I have completed the following:

1. I got tenure. Let's here it for job security!
2. I learned to repair a screen door. Google is your friend!
3. I got over my fear and filed for divorce. Life is too short to live it in fear.
4. I'm learning to enjoy going out by myself. Staying at home is boring.

Now those aren't actually bucket list worthy, but I'm new at this bucket list thing.

My biggest goal in life is to finally go on a cruise. I have never been on one, and for YEARS I was promised that we would go, and for YEARS it went unfilled. So, I'm going to make my own dreams happen, and I'm going to take my daughter along with me!

I was thinking of something simple, a cruise about the Caribbean, but you know, if I'm going to do this, why not do this large? I would LOVE to go to South America. Okay, that is going to be pricey, and we will need passports, so I will have to get a passport this year for myself and my daughter. Yup, not cheap I know to make this dream come true, and it may not be until she graduates from high school, but I will make it come true.

There is one thing I am very proud of in my life. When I started to make promises to my kids and myself, I came through. I honestly still do not fully comprehend how I was able to go from unemployed to employed in about 5 minutes like I did when I got my teaching job, but who am I to doubt the verse that says "through Christ, all things are possible."

I have reflected a lot lately on what it will be like to be completely on my own. I have been a partner and a mate for nearly all of my adult life. So many things in society are still geared at couples. Even for vacation bible school, they wanted "married couples" to head the family groups. There is so much emphasis on being coupled, its no wonder we have so many people rushing into marriages they don't really belong in just to fit in. I have a lot of restructuring of my mind to do still.

Last night wasn't easy after having my ex here during the day to do yard work with the kids. We were a family again for a few brief moments, but then he left to take the kids to dinner and I was alone.

I cried a bit, but I took myself out, and then I did what I said I should do and never did, and called a friend.

I took a chance on rejection, and it paid off.

Nicholas Cage said in the movie "Ghost Rider," "You can't live in fear."

I no longer have the option of hiding behind someone else. I have to take the risks, and when I am rejected, I have to shake it off, and move on to the next opportunity.

Welcome to my reality. Let's share it.

I can't sleep, so I'm blogging.

"Life sucks and then you die," has been a common quote I have heard and said since I was in my 20's. This week, I feel like life couldn't get any "suckier."

Truth is, the stress level with teachers is rising higher and higher. Teachers jobs are now going to be tied to achievement with end of course exams. We have to blame someone when little jimmy can't read. Parent who never read to their child, or invested time in reading specialists and seeing that their child was in school EVERY day...oh no..not their fault one bit! Governments that tie precious money to buy books and supplies so that little johnny isn't reading something written in the mid 50's that is out of date and stereotypical of the era, well, that isn't their fault! But schools and teachers that work their asses off, required to keep students in school .. sorry HOLD STUDENTS HOSTAGE in school without any regard for what is best for the kid, oh and make them ALL graduate, well hey.. its OUR fault.

You know..sometimes little johnny is happier if little johnny is learning a trade that will put a roof over his head and food on the table. Little johnny may not WANT to go to college, and frankly at the price of tuition these days, why should they pay that much for a crap shoot chance of getting a real paying job in their field?

But tomorrows economy demands college educated people!

Well you know what.. FINE..educate WELL the ones that are truely college ready, and let those that are career technical or vocational FREE to be what they need to do! The most disruptive students I have seen in school are disruptive because they just are not happy where they are? How many adults willingly continue in a job if they aren't happy. We already know how many dump a marriage if they aren't happy, so WHY are we forcing college on kids WHO by the way, you put a hammer in their hand and give them meaningful work will become the most polite, respectable and well adjusted kids you ever saw?

We are going to STILL need plumbers.

We are going to STILL need carpenters.

We are going to STILL need all tradesmen and no they do NOT need college degrees.

They need a highly specific technical program that teaches them the math, reading, science and other stuff and turns them loose on a job site in the afternoon. They are productive, they are willing to learn because it is in small exposure amounts, and for many who ARE the bread winners in their family, it supplies a source of income.

Instead of getting in trouble in school or out in town, they are making a decent wage, learning a valuable skill and feeling darn good about themselves. AND ISN'T that what real education is all about? Achieving something?

Stop distracting the college kids...lets us teach them to the standards we were taught too.

Stop holding back the vocational students that are talented with mechanical and construction skills. Let them work. If they are making money, they are paying taxes and they are supporting society and not being a burden.

OR....

Continue to do it our way. Force them to stay in school, fight with them to behave,if they even make it to school and BTW get NO support from parents at home, and watch them move from the school room to the jail cell in one easy step.

There is a good reason we refer to the local county detention center as "High School North."

Sorry for the typos. This is a rant and I SHOULD be asleep!