My head tells me I am better off alone.

My heart tells me I need a companion.

My head wants to keep protecting me.  It keeps reminding me of all the pain and abuse.  It reminds me that the moment you try to attract someone new in, the compromises begin.  Already I feel myself wanting to change, not for my own sake, but for someone else's.  I feel all the same hurts, and disappointments and disapproval.  It is like being a kid again and being mocked for my size.

Was there ever a time someone thought I was "just right" the way I was?

Here is where the heart comes in to believe in the myth that there is someone out there for everyone.  It is a myth.  I would love the story book ending of the nice guy that just "appears" and becomes the true love of my life.  It's a myth.

So how do I turn off my heart once and for all and just listen to my head?

I can't do that, I know it - but I can't be someone for someone else either.  Not this time.  If I can't be who I am for me why do I think I can be anyone for a stranger?

There is no rush.  No biological clock.  There is no contest.  Someone that doesn't find value in me for who I am now, won't if I meet some "pre-expectation."

Time to bury the myths and time to do what I need to do to keep pushing forward.  I take care of myself because it is the correct thing to do, and in so doing, I make myself attractive to others.  It is the way things work.  When I feel comfortable with myself, I am no longer a needy person.

I have a lot to offer.  It is time to start believing that 100%.

I don't understand dreams.

I don't know if they are just replaying of memories twisted by that odd bit of curry the night before or if they are fresh revelations.

I just don't know what they are.

I do know that they are annoying for the most part.  I never seem to have "good dreams."  They seem to me to be stresses that my mind is trying to deal with.  All the hurt and fear seem to come out during my dreams.  When I was married, the dreams centered around him cheating on me and being cruel to me.  When my sister and father died, they were conversations that I wish I had when they were alive.  The oddest being my ex's father who came to me only once and said, "I'm sorry."  How odd is that dream?

Last night it was finally facing my ex and seeing the new wedding ring on his finger.  I imagine it is impressive, after all her loves her!  I always wanted to get him a new band with diamonds encrusted.  I'm glad I didn't waste the money.  However, I can't help thinking that his new band is probably pretty nice.

I guess what annoys me most is that he was cultivating his new relationship while we were married.  He groomed and pursued it instead of putting that effort into us.  I would have killed for just a 1/4 of the attention he showed her instead of the leftovers I was constantly getting.  Of course now that he has her, he will have to always carry in the back of his mind how easy it was for his lovely bride to betray her first husband.  It will always be there - no amount of affection will take back 10 years of betrayal.  I'm sure it will haunt his already paranoid mind.

So he dumps me and she dumps her husband and they quickly, and I do mean quickly consumate their love.  He is "winning" in all the same meaning as Charlie Sheen would give it.

This really should "close the book" on this sad tale.  In many ways this is the least angry and indifferent I have ever written on this topic.  I mean that.. I really am not feeling one thing at this moment.  So why am I still having these dreams?

Maybe I'm deceiving myself that I'm not really bothered by it all.  Or maybe I'm just a bit jealous that he would remarry so quickly.  I knew he wouldn't stay alone long.  I just wonder how long they will stay married?  My luck they will live out the rest of their days in total bliss while the rest of us continue to carve some new identity for ourselves.

Quite the way to find an easy mate.  Find someone else's and just conduct a nonstop cyber affair. Out of the pan and right into the fire.

God preserves the wicked.  I guess I will have to accept that they may just live a long and happy life together.

It takes a long time to refocus one's thinking away from what causes pain and put it on things more healthy.  I have to keep examining my motivations as to what makes me do what I do.  This dream, might very well be a signal that my OWN motivations are wrong.

I should not want to be with someone just to feel "normal."  Sure it would be nice to share life with another suitable person but I'm thinking that the truth of the matter is, I may be once again giving into conformity.

How many successes am I going to have to have before I realize that I am a complete and functioning adult?  When will I stop fearing the worse in things?  There are always solutions even if they aren't the most apparent.  I will find those solutions because that is what I do best.

Live long and prosper ex husband with your new wife.

You both did me a huge favor.

I'm starting to wonder if there could possibly be any more bombshells related to my ex-husband that I don't know about?

Last summer my ex went on vacation out of the country.  He met his long time internet affair.  She returned home and 9 months later had divorced her husband and married my ex.

He has finally got what he wanted for a very long time.  Evidently she has gotten what she wanted for a very long time.

Two families lay in the rubble of their broken commitments and selfishness.  One man is still in shock and is devastated from the sheer speed of it all.   I wonder often how marriages that are founded on secrets and betrayal last?

I will now continue to live day by day for the next two years in a semi fearful state that I may still lose the house before my daughter graduates.  As soon as he gets his visa to move to Australia, I am sure he will be gone for good.

Somehow, there is a positive in there - unless you happen to be one of his kids.

I wish the happy couple all the same happiness they have given to their former spouses and kids.  May they live long in their own buried guilt and rest long on a bed made of lies and mistrust.  A marriage made in hell.

And I am already bored.

It isn't that I'm ready to jump back into my classroom as much as it is not having the routine and social contact I had on a daily basis.  Trust me, I am enjoying not grading papers and dealing with 30+ different hormonally charged attitudes for the day.  What I do miss though is the time spent with friends and yes, there are a few of those "kids" that I enjoyed having around.

The good news is that I am going to begin my fifth year at school.  Not only do I have tenure, but I will have been working for five years at a Title I school.  This is very significant because it will help me get 17K of my school debt erased.

When I was married, my husband made a big point that he was going to "help me" with this debt.  Had we stayed married, this would in fact be true.  But I'm divorced now and the debt is mine.  No added help from Mr. Wonderful, whom I don't believe ever expected to be "helpful."

It is all part of that unfinished business with myself that I mentioned before.  I honestly don't want his help.

In other news, I had a few guys express interest on eHarmony, but I've not really stumbled on anyone all that interested.  I got a feeling there are a lot of delusional men out there that want Cinderella.  I do know I'm not going to have much success until I do something about my size.  I don't think of myself as "fat" yet pictures don't lie nor do scales.  Men want accepted with there bulging bellies and half shaved beards, but a woman is suppose to be trim and athletic.

Men are about the looks first and foremost.  They claim they want more, but what they want is sex.  I'm not going to sell out on being who I am now, but I know in my heart I do need to do more for my health.  It has been on my mind a lot as I swallow down 4 pills a morning and snort a steroid spray.  Something has to give or I may not be around to see 60.

I accused my ex-husband of failing to be there "for better or for worse," the challenge now is, will I be there for myself and do what I need to do to live a healthier lifestyle?

More later.

What a wild couple of weeks I have had.  Make it a couple of months.

It started in March when I got a red flag on my blood pressure.  It was through the roof.  So I went to my doctor who got it under control with, well we will call it "pill 1."

In the process of talking with my doctor, I told her how I can hardly breath.  So I got sent to Doctor 2 who has since brought me under his care and got me started on "pill 2." Later this week we also start shots, but for now, we will stick with just "pill 2."

Meanwhile, back at doctor #1, an irregularly low level came back from my thyroid.  I guess the old girl decided to just stop producing what it was suppose to produce.  Prescription for "pill 3" was called in and so now my morning begins with a cocktail of pills 1-3, a steroid nose spray, and just for fun, if my chest feels tight, I got this lovely inhaler!

So after a few short months of all this silliness, I am happy to report that steam is no longer pouring from my ears from my high blood pressure.  I am sleeping through the night and as long as I'm on pill #2 and the steroid spray, I seem to have stopped snoring so much and waking up rested.  The most surprising news is that "pill #3" really has seemed to be doing something for me.  For the few short days I have been on it, I have started to get my old energy back to do things.  I went the entire weekend without resorting to a nap, and tonight was one of the first times that I didn't immediately collapse in my chair..though I think I may have snored a little during the news.

So after all this retuning of my physiology, will this make me a bit more sane?  I hope not. :)

I'm going to pursue eHarmony again.  See if maybe over the summer I might meet someone nice for an occasional dinner or movie.  I need real people and real friends.  I'm not getting it from my usual online sources.  I guess, I'm just getting to an age where those "younguns" don't really want to hang out with an old person.  Actually, I think it is more, that this "oldun" has different views on what a friend is, and honestly what we see as friends online are just acquaintances.  There is no effort or sacrifice.  Not to say there aren't real relationships, but those are also real in the non digital world.

To quote one of those "younguns,"  "Why don't you go out and find people that you can game with if you want people to play with you?"

So, I guess that is what I'm going to do.  I don't think I will find too many 50 somethings that do what I do.  We are rare and most are married.  It may be a hobby I have to eventually do with out in lieu of something more traditional.

I don't know.  I know I feel a bit better.  I know I have unfinished business with myself.

I don't know if  "moving on" is going to be possible until that business is taken care of.

Well here I am getting ready to call it a day.  It's been kind of an odd week.  Can't explain it too well, other than this is one of those nights, where I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I'm trying to figure out where the avoidance part of my personality got started.  Maybe it was when I realized I have always been on the outside looking in at close friendships.  I'm not trying to beat myself up here.  I have this brain that thinks analytically you see.  So no, I'm not sad or emotional when I write this.

I haven't been the center of the group, except when I teach.  My students look up to me, or at least try to figure out why I'm so odd I guess.  But that puts me in the center of the attention.  I control what happens and when.

My social circles aren't like that.  I pretty much am stuck to the outside looking in at all those close friendships and realizing I'm not really part of that.  I have been blessed with people that allow me to be friends with them.  They are very active people in their own right, so getting time with them to just plan something for the weekend isn't happening very well.

I kind of took on the role of keeping the ball rolling, but the response to the notices and idea exchanges is getting less and less.  I guess I should take the silence as a hint, that I'm no longer "cute" but perhaps, "annoying."

So, I have decided that no matter what, I would go on and do things for myself. 

I put the invitation out there, but I'm not going to sit alone at home and bemoan that no one would do things with me.  I'm going to push through and even if it means doing things stag, I will still do them.

I could be miserable at home alone, OR I could be doing something that may be fun, and yeah, it would be more fun with others, but I don't need others to make me happy. 

So maybe I am finally growing up.  I really don't like being alone.  I don't like doing things alone.  But had I not gone on vacation alone, I would never have experienced Savannah, nor would I have got to meet and share the experiences of interesting people from all over.  Those experiences are my experience now and they are priceless.

I'll go to the dinner theater, and I will sit with other groups and kinda blend in with them and maybe be welcomed into their conversations.  I am going to do this fun walk, and even though I represent only me, I'm sure there will be others along the way to share conversation with.

I will keep going out to eat on my own and sit up at the bar and just talk to people, even if it is just the bartender because each time I do, I get a bit better at being a whole person. 

I don't want to be needy.  I want to set my own pace and walk my own path and share it with whoever is also on that same path for however brief it is.

I had a wonderful time in NYC and I shared it with some awesome women.  We have had the experience of getting out together twice since.  It may most likely be the last time together, but I am better for it.

The biggest mistake I made in my marriage was assuming I didn't need anyone else because I had my ex-husband.  That is when I stopped being an individual and became just property.  He may have treated my like property, but I was the one that gave him permission to do so.

I'm not property and I'm valuable and worth knowing, even if that is just for a 2.5 mile walk around downtown Johnson City.

The day of love.

Sadly, I'm not in love.  Well, maybe I am but it is misguided.  There is this kernel of him still there inside of my head and my heart that I would pay any amount of money for a surgeon to remove.

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to deal with it.  I do know that today only bothered me a .. little.  It's not like I was getting anything awesome.  When I did get these amazing flowers and dinner out I thought I was "queen of the world."  Truth was, it was just him trying to convince himself that he loved me.

I think that has been the hardest thing to take in through all of this.  I know that I'm not un-loveable.  I may be hard to love, but I'm far from un-loveable.  It was just, he wasn't in love with me.  I would like to think that he was at one time.  Truth is, I don't know and probably will never know.  I think he was in love with the idea of "being in love" just as I was in love with the idea of having a relationship.

Let us be brutally honest here.  I don't think either one of us was truely, in love with the other.  We were both, in love with ourselves and we romanced the notion of a relationship.  We never worked on being in one.

That is hard for me to say, because here I was committed to something that I would have stayed with until death.  I even had two children in it.

I told him I loved him every day, multiple times.  There, as Shakespeare would say, "is the rub."  I had to keep saying it.  Maybe he was right when he asked, "who was I trying to convince?"

I still say it, out loud when I'm alone, or think I am alone.  It just comes out like some sort of nervous "tick."  It is getting less, but it is still there, and I think on him far more then I should.  Even in writing this, he is there haunting me.

I don't cry so much any more if at all, but I have grown indifferent to the thought of love for myself.  I know great guys are still out there, some of whom have been equally hurt or coming to the same conclusions I have been coming too, wondering, is there anyone out there for them?

One of my friends after being single for a very long time announced her engagement.  I was happy for her and sad for me.  One more kindred spirit going over to the "dark side" of couple-ness. 

I've been thinking a lot about the adult mentors in my life.  I can't really think of one woman I really looked up too.  The mentors that made a huge difference in my life were the men. It is why I go out of my way to TRY and bond with other woman and develop same sex relationships before trying to go out and find a male companion.

So what is on tap for me in the near future?  What bucket items do I need to cross off the list?

For one, I think I'm going to try and do the 4K fun walk for the Chasing Snakes marathon run.  I think I can walk 4 kilometers.  It is something I have never done, and I'm sure it would a lot of fun and may get me out meeting new people.

I will probably die after becoming such a slug this winter, but I want to try.  It will be in the city, so the roads should be relatively flat and in good condition, unlike where I live out here in the foot hills.

So Happy Valentine's Day.  It is a happy day because I have two awesome kids and they make up the difference so much.  I don't think I could have gotten through what I did without being focused on them.  But, as the "adult" I need to separate and find new outlets so I don't become over dependent on them and keep them from living their own lives.

I am a very strong person.  I have learned that.  I will work through this last stage of grief and I will be a better person for it.