The last two days have been troubling for me.
When you are overwhelmed with insecurities and fears all at the same time, it can be hard to sort them out. These past few days have been filled with self doubt and a bit of self loathing. I know something isn't right in my head when I start having those "dreams" again. This time my ex-husband and his new wife are taunting me, trying to make me feel less than significant. They are taking my daughter from me. So fear number one is identified.
My daughter was always daddy's little girl, and in that time period, I'm sure he instilled his own brand of disrespect for me. She grew up seeing how he didn't stand beside me, and probably spent a good deal of time fostering how much I must love our son more than her. She certainly believed it and probably still does. I have done what I can to let her know and to show her how much I do love her. But it has gotten to the point that she behaves in a disrespectful manner toward me. So, I've worked to stop reacting to it as well as no longer bother asking her to do what she knows she is suppose to. I honestly don't know what else to do but to just let her go like I did her dad and hope something will sink in about how much I do love her.
Insecurity number two was evident at dinner last night. I had gone out with a new social group I joined. We do fun stuff to get out as singles. I call it group dating for adults. Its a nice mixed group with some attractive men. Attractive men that are more interested in the slightly younger and more attractive women. I looked pretty matronly among the thin and active younger women. It hit me pretty hard as I listened to the guy across from me "teasing" the woman sitting beside him to "go out with him." There are some older men in the group, but as I learned today, one is a recent widower. It will be a long time before he will allow anyone to replace her in his life, and from her pictures, she too was thin and pretty. Oh..and did I mention blonde is another characteristic.
This is why I'm not getting followups and dates from eHarmony. I'm a broad mare in a pen filled with much younger fillies, who happen to be blonde also. I use to think I was "not ugly." It has become high school all over again. The only time I attracted men was when I was thin and now I'm old, and spread out from raising kids and being made crazy by a man I thought loved me.
I envy the widows and widowers who survive the loss of a spouse that they will know in their heart loved them. If they never find another person to share life with, what a feeling to have to know you were loved. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone because stupid men are just that stupid. I have two great kids that I hope love me as much as I love them, but nothing seems to fill that hole left from a cheating spouse who only paid lip service to the words, while he lusted every day after another.
When you are overwhelmed with insecurities and fears all at the same time, it can be hard to sort them out. These past few days have been filled with self doubt and a bit of self loathing. I know something isn't right in my head when I start having those "dreams" again. This time my ex-husband and his new wife are taunting me, trying to make me feel less than significant. They are taking my daughter from me. So fear number one is identified.
My daughter was always daddy's little girl, and in that time period, I'm sure he instilled his own brand of disrespect for me. She grew up seeing how he didn't stand beside me, and probably spent a good deal of time fostering how much I must love our son more than her. She certainly believed it and probably still does. I have done what I can to let her know and to show her how much I do love her. But it has gotten to the point that she behaves in a disrespectful manner toward me. So, I've worked to stop reacting to it as well as no longer bother asking her to do what she knows she is suppose to. I honestly don't know what else to do but to just let her go like I did her dad and hope something will sink in about how much I do love her.
Insecurity number two was evident at dinner last night. I had gone out with a new social group I joined. We do fun stuff to get out as singles. I call it group dating for adults. Its a nice mixed group with some attractive men. Attractive men that are more interested in the slightly younger and more attractive women. I looked pretty matronly among the thin and active younger women. It hit me pretty hard as I listened to the guy across from me "teasing" the woman sitting beside him to "go out with him." There are some older men in the group, but as I learned today, one is a recent widower. It will be a long time before he will allow anyone to replace her in his life, and from her pictures, she too was thin and pretty. Oh..and did I mention blonde is another characteristic.
This is why I'm not getting followups and dates from eHarmony. I'm a broad mare in a pen filled with much younger fillies, who happen to be blonde also. I use to think I was "not ugly." It has become high school all over again. The only time I attracted men was when I was thin and now I'm old, and spread out from raising kids and being made crazy by a man I thought loved me.
I envy the widows and widowers who survive the loss of a spouse that they will know in their heart loved them. If they never find another person to share life with, what a feeling to have to know you were loved. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone because stupid men are just that stupid. I have two great kids that I hope love me as much as I love them, but nothing seems to fill that hole left from a cheating spouse who only paid lip service to the words, while he lusted every day after another.
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